This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
"That's really cool, where did you get him?"
"Sturgis." Replied the parrot, "They're all over the place!"
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
To many Kids
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
Friday, July 13, 2007
Biology Ezam
Students in Biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in really awesome containers.
The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:
7. It comes in really awesome containers.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Two Garbage Bags
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Drug Dog
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in
the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man
looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent
and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name
is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show
you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out,
the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to
"search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the
aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a
woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw
on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy",
and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend
her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few
seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back
to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to shyte all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
window on the plane when another man sat down in
the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man
looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent
and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name
is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show
you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out,
the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to
"search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the
aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a
woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw
on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy",
and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend
her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few
seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back
to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to shyte all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
what the hell would you say?
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Nellie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Nellie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Nellie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Nell, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Nellie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Nellie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Nellie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the
lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Nellie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Nellie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Nellie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Nell, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Nellie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Nellie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Nellie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part....
'Only when he's been drinking.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part....
'Only when he's been drinking.'
Friday, June 29, 2007
Good at that Sensitive Stuff
Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are! ."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are! ."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
magic lights
An 80 year old man named "Harry" went to the Dr. for his yearly check up and after all the tests were done the Dr. sat him down and said " Harry,hows everything from your perspective?" Are you right with God? Harry responds with " Life is great I even have such a discourse with the man above that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom to relieve myself that when I begin "POOF" the lights go on and when I leave "Poof" the lights go out.After some more genial conversation Harry leaves for home.After Harry leaves,the Dr. being quite puzzled calls Harry's wife "Ethel" to question her about the bathroom lights.And when she responds understands,Oh My God Harry's peeing in the refrigerator again!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
wrong e-mail address
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So,
the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years! ago, there was a
computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and
without noticing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail il, expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now, and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So,
the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years! ago, there was a
computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and
without noticing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail il, expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now, and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Friday, June 22, 2007
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
What part of broke do you not understand?
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
What part of broke do you not understand?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Why We Love Children !
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not,
darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning. "
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear."
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not,
darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning. "
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear."
Monday, June 18, 2007
skinny dipping
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a big pond in a secluded area on the back of the property, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
Nearing the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deep end. One of the women shouted out, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
Nearing the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deep end. One of the women shouted out, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Another Blond Joke
A guy is sitting in a bar having a beer next to a blonde who is reading
a newspaper.
The headline in the paper reads "Twelve Brazilian Skiers Killed in
Avalanche". Sobbing uncontrollably at this unfortunate news, the blonde
turns to the guy and says,
"My gosh! How many is a brazilian?"
a newspaper.
The headline in the paper reads "Twelve Brazilian Skiers Killed in
Avalanche". Sobbing uncontrollably at this unfortunate news, the blonde
turns to the guy and says,
"My gosh! How many is a brazilian?"
Another fight with the little woman
Mid day, hotter than hell, and the bar's empty.
A lone bike pulls up out front.
Walking into the bar, Mike threw his helmet on the bar and said "Pour me a stiff one, Charlie"!
"Wassamatter" Charlie drawls
Well, just had another fight with the little woman." Mike replies as he drops himself on the nearest stool.
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. Looking across the bar with a knowing eye "And how did this one end?"
"Well, I tell you one thing, when it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Charlie was impressed and poured a generous shot "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
Mike looks into his now-full shot glass and replies "She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken sh*t!"
A lone bike pulls up out front.
Walking into the bar, Mike threw his helmet on the bar and said "Pour me a stiff one, Charlie"!
"Wassamatter" Charlie drawls
Well, just had another fight with the little woman." Mike replies as he drops himself on the nearest stool.
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. Looking across the bar with a knowing eye "And how did this one end?"
"Well, I tell you one thing, when it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Charlie was impressed and poured a generous shot "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
Mike looks into his now-full shot glass and replies "She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken sh*t!"
Monday, June 11, 2007
The Mailman's last day
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses
along his route, he was met with congratulations,
farewells, cards, and gifts.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but
what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, " Screw him.......give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses
along his route, he was met with congratulations,
farewells, cards, and gifts.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but
what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, " Screw him.......give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word
on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
Hunting Club
One night at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR! I tell you, I just shit my
pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no ... not back then, just now,
when I said RRROOAARRR!"
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR! I tell you, I just shit my
pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no ... not back then, just now,
when I said RRROOAARRR!"
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Old Farts Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeakerand says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeakerand says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
Monday, June 04, 2007
Drunks and Bikers
A drunk walks into the biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, stagger to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused because he is big, mean and bad and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans in closer and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans really close and says: "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, towering over the drunk, takes him by the shoulders, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Grandpa,........Go home, you're drunk."
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, stagger to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused because he is big, mean and bad and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans in closer and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans really close and says: "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, towering over the drunk, takes him by the shoulders, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Grandpa,........Go home, you're drunk."
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