Lost Last Name

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me,
' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.'
'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.'
'Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.'
'Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

5 questions you want answers for

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Now, you know everything you need to know.

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.


One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Troubles in Bed

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter
what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. Whil e the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't
help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband,
'let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man
gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:


'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America! ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opp! osite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

New Pet

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer .
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on."

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a
nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a
hundred years,when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would
you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you can shit on its head."

Jealous Lover

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of
another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
Reassured

No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands


That's me before the surgery."

QUIZ

take this Quiz

Mexican Earthquake...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Mom Im Pregnant

An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and says: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
Stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Replied the parrot

This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
"That's really cool, where did you get him?"

"Sturgis." Replied the parrot, "They're all over the place!"

To many Kids

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."

Biology Ezam

Students in Biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always at the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in really awesome containers.

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing

Drug Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in
the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man
looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent
and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name
is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show
you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out,
the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to
"search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the
aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a
woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw
on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy",
and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend
her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few
seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."


"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back
to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to shyte all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

what the hell would you say?

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the
lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Nellie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Nellie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Nellie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Nell, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Nellie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Nellie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Nellie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....


'Only when he's been drinking.'

Good at that Sensitive Stuff

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are! ."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

magic lights

An 80 year old man named "Harry" went to the Dr. for his yearly check up and after all the tests were done the Dr. sat him down and said " Harry,hows everything from your perspective?" Are you right with God? Harry responds with " Life is great I even have such a discourse with the man above that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom to relieve myself that when I begin "POOF" the lights go on and when I leave "Poof" the lights go out.After some more genial conversation Harry leaves for home.After Harry leaves,the Dr. being quite puzzled calls Harry's wife "Ethel" to question her about the bathroom lights.And when she responds understands,Oh My God Harry's peeing in the refrigerator again!