MY NEXT LIFE By George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready ;for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...


You finish off as an orgasm.


I rest my case.

a lesson in Managment

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, ut she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

attractive bartender

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive bartender serving drinks to a
meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can
I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young
lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

They grow em big in Arkansas

An Arkansas University fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Arkansas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Arkansas fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Arkansas baby boy. He's gonna be a University of Arkansas football player.

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW! One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Arkansas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. He asked," What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born! "

The Arkansas father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says," Had him circumcised." GO Hogs!!!!

Home projects through time

You are in the middle of a project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room...whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.



Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to

Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.

You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes.

The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.

You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

Married Women

Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

insect repellent sailsman

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I
guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.
I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case
from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you
rich.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and
his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was
there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total
wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son." he said,, Now you don't have a
bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked at him through bloodshot eyes and asked with a
weak croaking voice "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Lost Last Name

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me,
' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.'
'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.'
'Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.'
'Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

5 questions you want answers for

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Now, you know everything you need to know.

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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Third Place:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Runner Up:


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.


One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Troubles in Bed

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter
what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. Whil e the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't
help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband,
'let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man
gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:


'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America! ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opp! osite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

New Pet

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer .
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on."

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a
nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a
hundred years,when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would
you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you can shit on its head."

Jealous Lover

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of
another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
Reassured

No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands


That's me before the surgery."

QUIZ

take this Quiz

Mexican Earthquake...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Mom Im Pregnant

An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and says: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
Stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Replied the parrot

This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
"That's really cool, where did you get him?"

"Sturgis." Replied the parrot, "They're all over the place!"

To many Kids

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."