Son of a Bitch Fish

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!' 'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!' Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?' Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

'What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.' On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

Miller Lite

The Old Man

A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'Harry, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Harry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes
off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day,
the doctor calls Harry's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'Harry is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on
in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

Three Smiling Dead Guys

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."

Day at the Zoo

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now...Tell him you have a headache.'

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question ...
from somebody whose dick is on his face.

Blind Man

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint
naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"NICE TITS," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Airplane Carry-On

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

MEN NEVER LEARN

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.'
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Saskatchewan and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!'

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Last Night on the Town

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH ??. . .?WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...
TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER."

Have a nice Day

A farmer from just outside Yellow Grass ordered a high-tech milking
machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he
decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the
equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure
than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he
quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service
Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release
automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
Have a nice day!²

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

New use for Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store Every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, He would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

'Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?' The man looked at him in disgust and said, 'I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!' So, the druggist asked, 'Then what do you do with all those condoms?' The gentleman answered, 'I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags.'

Taxi

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab .... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.


She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."