Two families moved from Pakistan to Edmonton. When they arrived
the two Fathers made a bet.
In a year's time, whichever family had become had become more Canadian would win.
A year later they met again.
The first man said, 'My son is playing hockey, I had Tim Hortons for
Breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Molson's.
How about you?
The second man replied, 'Fuck off, raghead.'
.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Senior Dating
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Friday, March 28, 2008
Words of love
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?'
'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck, fuck off.'
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?'
'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck, fuck off.'
Thursday, March 27, 2008
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Ahmed's doctor appoitment
Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after
doctor,but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss
on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket,
pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!
What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick .."
here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after
doctor,but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss
on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket,
pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!
What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick .."
Lambs Rum and Pepsi
A Priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for a Lambs rum and Pepsi, which was brought and
placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust..... 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Newfie asked for a Lambs rum and Pepsi, which was brought and
placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust..... 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
For all the 'expert' drivers out there!!!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* ; Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* ; Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *
Monday, March 24, 2008
Heaven and Hell
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all
of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
'Don't worry about that' says St. Peter 'It's only someone having
the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling
screams.
'Oh my!' says the old lady 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry'
says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this' says the old lady, 'I m going to Hell.' 'You can't go
there' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all
of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
'Don't worry about that' says St. Peter 'It's only someone having
the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling
screams.
'Oh my!' says the old lady 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry'
says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this' says the old lady, 'I m going to Hell.' 'You can't go
there' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'
Generations
In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper,
Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.
Generations are grouped as follows:
-The Silent Generation, people born before 1945.
-The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.
-Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1986.
-Generation Y, people born between 1987 and 2008.
For the last one, one can ask why Y?...
A caricaturist explains it eloquently below...
In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper,
Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.
Generations are grouped as follows:
-The Silent Generation, people born before 1945.
-The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.
-Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1986.
-Generation Y, people born between 1987 and 2008.
For the last one, one can ask why Y?...
A caricaturist explains it eloquently below...
In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper,
Doctor's Warning
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge
in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never
again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs,
they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the
lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the
bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot
glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the
ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and
said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge
in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never
again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs,
they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the
lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the
bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot
glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the
ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and
said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Thursday, March 20, 2008
careful what you wish for
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to them all and begins to explore the
house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there
are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and
hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can
also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. .. . but why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me.'
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded
by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to them all and begins to explore the
house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there
are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and
hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can
also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. .. . but why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me.'
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Genealogy
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.
"Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
"The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Father told you about his."
"Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
"The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Father told you about his."
Monday, March 17, 2008
TURNER BROWN:
Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says:
'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!
The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Newfie says:
'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!
Tea Party
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Engineers:
Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches,"and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, supervising in Ottawa.
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