Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put seat and lid of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the seat and lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,

The Dog

This says it all!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Taunting a biker ....

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and
orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
buck naked! Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says ............ 'Grandpa, go home!
You're drunk!'

Why Us

This is the hostess for an Italian TV talk show.






This is the hostess for an American TV talk show.



Where in the hell did we go wrong?

Two Newfies

Two Newfies, hired a pilot to fly them to a remote area around Kaegudeck Lake to hunt moose.

Within a day they had bagged six, and managed to drag them to the plane.

The pilot explained the aircraft couldn't take more than four, and they'd have to leave two behind.

Ernie & Paddy objected, saying….. "Wadda mean? Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us take 'em all…"

Reluctantly, the pilot agreed, loaded up, and started down the run-way. Sure enough the plane didn't clear the trees, and crashed.

Surrounded by dead moose…..Paddy moaned…. "Where in hell are we?" "I tink pretty close to where we crashed last year…." replied Ernie.

Tribal Experiment

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African "bush tribe" whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his member and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the member to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,

"How about we try the African string and weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little "Tribal Experiment" coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

She said excitedly "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No" he said, "It's turned black"

THERAPY SESSION:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

Banana Split

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

What is in a name

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

New Born

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Interesting Health Fact

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus? ?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. ?

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse
and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

Medical Students

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his are legs apart just as we learned in class.'


Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.' The old man said:

'You thought... but you are wrong.'

Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.' The old man said: 'You thought...... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: 'Well, old timer, what do you have?' The old man said:

'I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.

hearing problems

An elderly gentleman… had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Stanley Cup

Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it. D o
I have to worry about being infected by listeria?

A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple
leaf in over 40 years.

Cowboys

A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!"

I am not Happy

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! I guess I must
have laughed.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER?

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Cop's and wishes

Two men were driving through Alberta when they got pulled over by an

RCMP officer . The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

'What the hell was that for?' the driver asked.

'You're in Alberta son,' the cop answered. 'When we pull you over in Alberta, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.'

'I'm sorry, officer,' the driver said, 'I'm not from around here.'

The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.

The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

'What'd you do that for?' the passenger demands.

'Just making your wish come true,' replied the cop.

'Making WHAT wish come true?' the passenger asked.

'Because I know your type,' the cop says, 'two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'

Holes

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy peeing, but there are two streams !!
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the willy in North Africa. They were able to save it but they had to leave two holes."

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the willy, left three holes."

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see 12 streams !!!!!!!!!!!!

"War wound?"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck."

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

(You MUST read them aloud to really learn them)


English Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa