Top Ten Country & Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long.

SNORKELING IN Manitoba

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Halloween Joke

A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I am wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?' The woman stammers, 'Why, yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Don't mess with old people.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the young gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch in Saskatchewan, and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge! Show him your badge!"

smiling

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.' 'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?' 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

A lawyer and a Ukrainian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Ukrainians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Ukrainian would like to play a fun game.

The Ukrainian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the Ukrainian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Ukrainian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Ukrainian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Ukrainian and hands him $500. The Ukrainian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Ukrainian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Ukrainian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with us Ukrainians.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks "Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his Manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree
to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she
found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!!!

PANTIES ON A PLANE

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al , but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked?
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first

Chicken Blood

Canadian Medical Association researchers have made a
Remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
Benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

This tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.