Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly get married in Heaven.

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

???

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN......

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah
Winfrey.

Oprah asked," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it...

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it
with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't
believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up
in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman
she stole my wallet!"

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
five�
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS...

Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the fuck you put it!

Smart Add Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 --

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
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SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.



Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

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SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
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SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his
window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'
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SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR --

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said
I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and is snickering.



When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

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Two bonus extras:



A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the
clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
___________________________________________________________

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
He never heard the shot....

New Wepons in Irac

I can give you at least one
reason why it is important to
learn English when you live in Canada.....

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mail man dead on the porch.

THe Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.