A farmer, a minister, and a biker are killed in a tragic accident on Christmas Eve, and our trio finds itself before the Pearly Gates, awaiting entry. St. Peter approaches them, and explains that since it is Christmas Eve, each of them must present something Christmasy in order to enter.The farmer reaches into his overalls and pulls out a handful of manger hay, St. Peter allows him in.The minister searches his pockets, and retreives a Communion wafer, and St. Peter allows him in. The biker bro has been scratching his head the whole time, thinking of something he could present. Suddenly, breaking into a broad grin, he yanks out a pair of panties from his leather jacket. St. Peter stares blankly at the biker and the panties, and asks, "How do these represent Christmas in any way?" The bro replied, "They're Carol's!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Leave it to a Newfie

3 men, a Torontonian, an Albertan and a Newfie, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."
The Torontonian then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his fingers, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Torontonian read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers, the Torontonian disappeared.
The Albertan then asked, "Give me the most complicated Formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his fingers, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Albertan read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers, the Albertan disappeared, too.
The Newfie then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. The Newfie continues, "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The Newfie then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the Newfie, It was from me arshole!" And the Newfie went to Heaven !!!

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just
then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in
the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good
news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter..

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister
a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local
symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye.

cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever…
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
he proctologist fainted.

If you like tennis

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week..

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Ray is Gay.

He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for'.

Service

I was confused when I heard the word service used in these expressions.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Canada Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, County, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to
'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her
panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not
want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to Go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned That his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with
a card stuck to her ass that Said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.

Tiger Woods

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with only one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's all sweaty and knackered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this hole......."

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar
in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room!

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T USE CORN-ON-THE-COB AS A VIBRATOR



Happens Ever Time

Newfie Duck Hunter

A newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like newfies.

The game warden ordered the newfie to show his hunting license, and the newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?' The newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said 'This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?' The newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?' Again the newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the newfie 'Just where the hell are you from???!!!'

The newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me, you're the expert.'

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?' Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get? I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, I did it for four reasons.
One, I like to watch my money grow
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Scottish Golfer

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Scottish and I am a golfer"' says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whiskey, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Da's deid?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandad's died?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No.. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"