Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Little Dennis came home from his Lethbridge school one day slightly confused.
His Mother was Jewish and his father was a native.
So Dennis asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question,
"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."
His Mother was Jewish and his father was a native.
So Dennis asks,"Mommy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question,
"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more native?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more native?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing."
Timeless advice from ancient China..
Confucius say,
" Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag."
Little Johnny's Christmas
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch."
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch."
THe New Ford
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gonna love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(Your gonna love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time."
They heard the announcer Say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowploughs can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time."
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis !' The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis ,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door !' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, ' Magic Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ' Magic Penis , my crotch .' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis ,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door !' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, ' Magic Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box..
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ' Magic Penis , my crotch .' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Ontario recently transferred to the northern part of Alberta, and a small community was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life..
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she
asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker..
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door....... 'This is the Outhouse!'
( Some Government workers are so smart)
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she
asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker..
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door....... 'This is the Outhouse!'
( Some Government workers are so smart)
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
She asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . .. Which part of
Your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you
Think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
Of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
Other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
She asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . .. Which part of
Your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you
Think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
Of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
Other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
HOW TO TELL YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED TOO LONG
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to
be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their
men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels.. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love
on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in
a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was
so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move
up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled "Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?"
be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their
sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their
men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at
the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a
leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of
it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and
stiletto heels.. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love
on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in
a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was
so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move
up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at
Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best
perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter
belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off
with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled "Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?"
Little Johnny
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because
there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to
get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before
Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered
first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open
his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's
right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary
answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for
you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The
teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
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