Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .. Their first night there, she undressed as he did There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same-- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-- but now he was wearing a black condom .. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

The Towel

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter
what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. Whil e the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't
help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband,
'let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man
gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:


'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

Dilemma

Dilemma of Don't Ask, Don't Tell Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military. No more don't ask don't tell. But what he has really done is cause confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives. This is what can now happen!! You know that Marines are trained to immediately obey orders. So imagine ...................... You're a Marine in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running toward your position. The guy next to you is openly gay. Then your Squad Leader yells out.......... "Shoot the cocksucker!" Do you see the confusion here?

Floss

My dentist sends me photos from time to time as a reminder.

Don't Forget To Floss!

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

Complete and Finished

Complete and Finished,,,,what's the difference??????
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy
to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
But.................... there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander !!!!!!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

End of story

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get
that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing
home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for
being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement
and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger
every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go
to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even
younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play,
and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last
9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central
heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an
orgasm.

I rest my case.

A distraught senior citizen

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy....as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club... She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

Ole the Hunter

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough. He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over,

it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."


"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.

I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.

She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

how to grow tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Remember to smile at people.....they will think you are up to something...

God visits a man

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re were not too fucking happy about it in Wal-Mart either!

The Lawler

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.


(keep reading)


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"My Rolex!"

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