"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 45, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 55, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 65 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

H-A-P-P-Y Hour in Bangkok

H-A-P-P-Y Hour in Bangkok Beats the shit out of pretzels or popcorn

Hard to argue this logic.

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby". You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts". Case closed.

A clue that maybe you're in a gay bar

DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA SNIFF IT......... IT'S WHAT I DO!......

Buying A Bed

THE KNEELING HIGH JUMP

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position ? The record 0.757 meters, (or 2–½ feet), - remember this is from a KNEELING position was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.......

I've always enjoyed sports trivia...

National Geographic- Cougar sleeping in tree

Looks dangerous ........butt I'm gona try to bag one.

Dyson_Vac.wmv

After a visit to the whore house,

A man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors. "That's serious" says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?" "Yes" says the man seriously. "Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts."

Classes for women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

Classes for women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Tuesday January 2nd, 2012 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day... And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor! From the Guys in the Witness Protection Program __._,_.___

30 Bucks

A muslim dies and goes up to heaven. He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter who says, "Sorry, but we don’t allow muslims into Heaven." "What?" replies the Muslim, "And why not?" "Well, we just don’t." The Muslim rants and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up. "Well", says St-Peter, "Have you ever done anything good in your life?" "Ummm", the Muslim replies. "Yeah, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Last week I donated ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars also". "Alrighty then", says St-Peter, "Let me go and have a quick word with God." Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim. "Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me, here’s your 30 bucks back, now fuck off."

SIPPING VODKA

Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding. It's funny (don't break chain) A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remem ber how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!" "Hello, knees.", he continued.. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

This is how a bacon cheeseburger is made.....