Group

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery '. 

Whenever she calls him, and he has left his phone at home, his wife sees it and plugs it into the charger. 
Give that man a medal. 
_____________________________

Government Survey 
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Canada so they can see their own doctor.
_____________________________

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.

I've called him Toronto.

_____________________________

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that 30 seconds every 3 months is doing much for this beer belly. 

Selfie

Do you have a job?

Politician

 

Rest Your Mind

Canadian Tourist

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel.    The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain  the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and  she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!   Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain  the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and  she sits on his lap.  He whispers in her ear and she screams,    No-No!"  and  quickly runs away!   The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for  something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it.   She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks  a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that  anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.   They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!"  smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away!   Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this  in all her years of operating a brothel.  She hasn't done the bedroom  work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she  got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another  to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.   She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry.  And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do.   So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house  and she is available.  She sits and talks with him.  They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, and drink a little, and she sits in his lap.  And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear,   "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"

suicide.

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.  Let’s have a look at the evidence:  - No Christmas - No television -No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother in law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkey - You cook over burning camel shit - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well helloooooo, Sherlock!....  It's not like it could get much worse!!

They Walk Among Us! OMG talk about stupid! ---------------------------- ...and they breed.

Traffic Camera   A man was driving when he saw the flash of a trafficcamera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..    You can't fix stupid.           My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.   They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------------    My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.   They Walk Among Us!  -------------------------------------------------   I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.)   They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------------------------     While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.   They Walk Among Us!          Dumb as a box of Rocks   TRUE STORY:   A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.   'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'   'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'   'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.   Well, you might ask , 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''   Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'   Sadly, they walk among us!

little jokes

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery '. 

Whenever she calls him, and he has left his phone at home, his wife sees it and plugs it into the charger. 
Give that man a medal. 
_____________________________

Government Survey 
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Canada so they can see their own doctor.
_____________________________

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area.

I've called him Toronto.

_____________________________

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that 30 seconds every 3 months is doing much for this beer belly. 

proof of global warming

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: Political Correctness Jokes x Roth Fred Dec 18 (5 days ago) to Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as     'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.   And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN  AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. '   2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'   3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'   4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'   5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'   6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'     HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN  AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:   1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'   2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'   3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'   4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'   5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' (Loved this one!)   6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.' (Loved this one even more)

Getting Older

Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently.         After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to  see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.   After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which  waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.   I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".   I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

Meds

If My Body Was A Car

This is just Too funny - scary how true it is!!! 
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus,
And it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

 

2015 in a Nutshell

 

 

WELCOME to 2015:

 

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

 

We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,

 

And our Leaders are WORTHLESS!

 

I'm scared - SHITLESS

Senior trying to set password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case  character.

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. 

Your First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish..

Your First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish.......... A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.  "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.  "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".  Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she  shouts, "I'll take care of this".   She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,  DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

A Chicken Farmer....

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Fluctuations

 

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
   
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat  dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
   
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." 

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"