Calmness in Our Lives...

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 23 Bud Lights, a bottle of Absolut, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

Moral of the Story

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently ..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Moral of the Story:
Women are crazy!!!!

Don't mess with them!!

Jenny and Bruce

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
Month and that sh ould do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up
With something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little #### is adorable

Talking while Drinking

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative.
2. Preliminary.
3. Proliferation.
4. Cinnamon.

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity.
2. British Constitution.
3. Passive-aggressive disorder.

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

warranty

Last year a friend on mine replaced all the windows in her house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, She got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and She had never paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because She is blonde doesn't mean that She is automatically stupid. So She told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told Her last year ... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo"? (She told him.) "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so She finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made Her.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Give the ballerina a drink

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to

all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end

of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and

bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,

revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and

said, Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's

your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep

calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to

be a ballerina".....

Hockey In Alberta.....

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Red Deer,
Alberta, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it
under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving
his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.
"Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he
starts writing in his book.
"But I'm not a Flames Fan" the little hero replies.

"Sorry, but as we are in Alberta, I just assumed you were"
says the reporter and he starts writing again.

"Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes
in his notebook.

"I'm not an Oilers fan either" the little boy says

"Oh, I assumed that everyone in Alberta was either for the
Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I am a Maple Leafs fan" the boy replies.

The reporter starts a new page in his notebook and writes:
"Little Bastard from Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet"

Ole looses $20

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them...it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"Vell, I'm making love to my vife!" Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Vell," Ole says, "Neider did I, til you shined dat dang light in her face."

Male or Female

*Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

*Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

*A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

*A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

*Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

*A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

*A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

*An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

*A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

*A Remote Control is Female. Had you fooled! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

OK, now I am going to apologize for that one. You know, it's the Canadian thing to do.

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!


I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms.


Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the
bogus
diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an
easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets
or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I
was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting
in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.


I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries With that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten Over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical Sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their Party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Bottom."

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot Yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going To have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity - e-mail This to someone to make them smile. It's called "therapy."

Animals Who Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,"
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,' but before he could say 'Fuck off,' the Rottweiler ate him!"

Smart Woman

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the
women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently
returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached
one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old
custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms.
Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.

Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality and productivity from employees, it

will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of

Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other firm.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in our Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will be directed to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you're already full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List > > (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the Directory of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you

Thoughts for 2007

Number 10... Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 9... Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8... Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7... Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6... Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5... Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4... All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3... Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2... In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

NUMBER 1... THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in Canada but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Which is worse?

Recently a man turned up at the emergency department to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?

1) having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

New Rules for 2007

(Borrowed from a CMC forum)


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
####. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're
a huge ####.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is
that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the priveledged version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying" Do you want fries with that?"

BUTT MEASUREMENTS

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

What's wrong?" he asks.



She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little tiny weenie?

BABY PLANES

A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had
been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big
dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask
the stewardess.

So, the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby
dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother
explain that to you."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C.
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said

"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

THE MOUNTIE & THE FISHERMAN

A female Mountie pulled over a drunken Newfy Fisherman driving down
The back roads. She said to him, "You're under arrest, anything you say,
Can and will be held against you".

"TITS" replied the Newfy.

On a Beach

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?"

The fellow's heart started beating faster as he replied, "No." She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

the Cajun and the Alligator

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open
this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. "Then open his mouth and I'll remove my
unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed
as promised.


The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try It! Just don't hit
me so hard with the beer bottle!"

Bubba Knows everyone

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone that there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"The President, "his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, the president spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"

Late for Work

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to
the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ####?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face.
PRICELESS

Some of the works of Steven Wright

If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, his point of view may tickle you a bit.

He is a famous and erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning

and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates". To say the least, his mind sees things differently than most of us.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?