Good at that Sensitive Stuff

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower-Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are! ."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

magic lights

An 80 year old man named "Harry" went to the Dr. for his yearly check up and after all the tests were done the Dr. sat him down and said " Harry,hows everything from your perspective?" Are you right with God? Harry responds with " Life is great I even have such a discourse with the man above that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom to relieve myself that when I begin "POOF" the lights go on and when I leave "Poof" the lights go out.After some more genial conversation Harry leaves for home.After Harry leaves,the Dr. being quite puzzled calls Harry's wife "Ethel" to question her about the bathroom lights.And when she responds understands,Oh My God Harry's peeing in the refrigerator again!

wrong e-mail address

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So,
the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years! ago, there was a
computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and
without noticing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail il, expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now, and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"

"Go away!" said the old lady.
"I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

Why We Love Children !

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself
in the women's locker room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter,
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not,
darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache
the next morning. "

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly
made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to
say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear."

skinny dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a big pond in a secluded area on the back of the property, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

Nearing the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deep end. One of the women shouted out, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast

Another Blond Joke

A guy is sitting in a bar having a beer next to a blonde who is reading
a newspaper.

The headline in the paper reads "Twelve Brazilian Skiers Killed in
Avalanche". Sobbing uncontrollably at this unfortunate news, the blonde
turns to the guy and says,

"My gosh! How many is a brazilian?"

Another fight with the little woman

Mid day, hotter than hell, and the bar's empty.

A lone bike pulls up out front.

Walking into the bar, Mike threw his helmet on the bar and said "Pour me a stiff one, Charlie"!

"Wassamatter" Charlie drawls

Well, just had another fight with the little woman." Mike replies as he drops himself on the nearest stool.

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. Looking across the bar with a knowing eye "And how did this one end?"

"Well, I tell you one thing, when it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Charlie was impressed and poured a generous shot "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

Mike looks into his now-full shot glass and replies "She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken sh*t!"

The Mailman's last day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses
along his route, he was met with congratulations,
farewells, cards, and gifts.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him
a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, " but
what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something
special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, " Screw him.......give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word
on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.

Hunting Club

One night at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR! I tell you, I just shit my
pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no ... not back then, just now,
when I said RRROOAARRR!"

Old Farts Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeakerand says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

Drunks and Bikers

A drunk walks into the biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, stagger to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused because he is big, mean and bad and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans in closer and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans really close and says: "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, towering over the drunk, takes him by the shoulders, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Grandpa,........Go home, you're drunk."

Some People Never Retire

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.

On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old
ladies laying naked on the lawn.


This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to
the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard
sale".

Pet Fish

A newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two
ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for it's
fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you
have a license to catch those fish?"


"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no.
You must understand these here are my pet fish."


"Pet fish?" said the game warden.


"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake
and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle
and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I
take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the
warden.

The newfie looked at the game warden for a moment
and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man,
I'll show you. It really works."


"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"


The newfie poured the fish into the lake and stood and
waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned
to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the newfie.


The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The newfie said, "Call who back?"


"The FISH!" replied the warden.


"What fish?" answered the newfie.


....We in Newfoundland may not be as smart as some city
slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government
employees!