The Four Stages of Life

Yep! That about sums it up!

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours , she seems to appear out of nowhere."

found golf ball

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that ...'

Mexican Delicacy

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day of roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, “Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.” The waiter replied, “I am so sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Questions for Hillary

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

'Kenneth'.

'And what is your question, Kenneth?'

'I have three questions: '

'First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as Pr esident? '

'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? '

'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, 'Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?' A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

'Larry.'

'And what is your question, Larry?'

'I have five questions:'

'First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? '

'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? '

'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? '

'Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? '

'And Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?'

When I Die

Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff..."

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

To
make it stand,
you wet it !

To make it wet,
you
suck it !

To make it stiff,
you lick it !

To get it
in,
You push it!
Damn
!!!!!!!

Threading a needle when you are older is a
BITCH!

always hope

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

Barack Obama on gun control

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in EastTexas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, "Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence."

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud EastTexas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: "'Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"

Nymphomania

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up &saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realize she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it,
she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike
up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of
America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal
experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular
myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also
discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the
woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she
said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man
said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me

Bubba.

'Am I Gay?' Self Examination

Guys. Now you can know for sure thanks to psychological science.

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah Diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.

8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your e-mail list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.

Newfies and Mad Cow Disease

'Newfies' are residents of Newfoundland - a unique group of residents in Canada who are always' Newfies' no matter where they live.

'Newfies on Mad Cow Disease'

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just outside Corner Brook , Newfoundland , to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.

Lady reporter:
Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?'

The farmer stared at the reporter and said:
'Do you know that a bull mounts A cow only once a year?'

Lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):

'Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this Phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?'

The farmer:

'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?'

The reporter:
'Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point.'

Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine,
if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?'

only in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely
to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for leading
toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they
have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to
prison .... yet.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Three lod ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about.

Wal-Mart Doctor

Wal-Mart has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

T hat evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

do you still get horny?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
'Who drives you to the beach?'

Sign's

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully.. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

And then the fight started

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to
go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

Complaints

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints.'

only from Canada

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis

God Bless Canadian generosity.

BaseBall

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's out side."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's out side."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

bravery is rewarded

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan,
a fire started inside the local sausage plant and
in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments
from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the
fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns
had to be called in as the situation became
desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out
that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire
department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians
over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine,
operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer
sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove
straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over

to personally thank each of the brave,
though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing
the event on film asking,
"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"...da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

Three year old boys

A 3 year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom, he asked, " Are these my brains ?"
" Not yet" she replied.

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on ... take a guess!

Think about it ...

You're going to love this!
.
.
.
.
.


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

old man young girl

A white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more
special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,'
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend....'

was he a good boy?

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!"
She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."

NFLD vs USA

NFLD vs USA



President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. "Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ye!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Willie Nelson Quote

Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday :

Whether or not you are a country fan,
this is truly the work of a deep thinker,
and highly intelligent person.

So simple, yet so profound.
Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday:

" I have outlived my dick. "

COWBOY LOGIC

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the
United States Forest Service. Hard to argue with this logic.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service
were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years
of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of
shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had
a 'more humane' solution. What the Sierra Club proposed
was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
castrated and let loose again, and the population would
be controlled.

All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a
couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back,
and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem.
Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep -- they're eatin' 'em."

Mistaken Idenity

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally...

I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral
....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

New Government Seal

Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Subject: NAIR

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist said 'If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week. '

ANCIENT & MYSTERIOUS CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!


The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.


The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'


Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.


Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left..... '
It says: ' Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

Don't send you wife to Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Bev to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Bev saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Bev asked "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Bev exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Bev replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850,158 years ago?

1 California became a state.
2 The state had no electricity.
3 The state had no money,
4 Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was like California is today except the women's breasts were real and the men didn't hold hands!

its all in the name

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"'My name is Carmen,'' she told him.

''That's a beautiful name,'' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
''No,'' she replied. ''I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most-- cars and men.'

''What's your name?'' she asked.
He said, ''B. J. Titsengolf.

Another Blond Joke

A blond goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry-cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'
The blond stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.'

Why Why Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are wearing out?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manag e to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

The Honeymoon

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE CONDOM !

This is how the fight started...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a Bitch !!!' And that ,folks............is how the fight started.

Aging

Things happen for a reason

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping.
Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the 49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.