John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Friday, October 30, 2009
While walking down the street one day, a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies..
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today, you voted.'
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today, you voted.'
Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha
All hair removal methods have tricked women with
their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair and now...the wax. Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.....must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's
not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally
see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair and now...the wax. Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.....must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's
not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally
see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Who Is Your Real Friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When the trunk is opened, which one is really happy to see you?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A simple way to understand how the Canadian economy works.
Sometime this year, we taxpayers ...MAY receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting new program...... explaination using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, California and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or South Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, .......keep the money in Canada by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to Hockey games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
So, go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and........ drink beer all day!
This is a very exciting new program...... explaination using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, California and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or South Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, .......keep the money in Canada by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to Hockey games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
So, go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and........ drink beer all day!
Two little boys
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’ HIS FRIEND SAYS,
‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’
Monday, October 26, 2009
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad
that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the
inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So, they buried Susie.
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad
that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the
inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So, they buried Susie.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. She quickly throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. She quickly throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
Friday, October 23, 2009
A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too..' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too..' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
FROZEN SKUNK
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...
THE VET
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and
hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that
wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye
to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O¢, and my husband calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly
'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on
this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's
waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and
in a loud voice, said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and
shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the
way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is! Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and
hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that
wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye
to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O¢, and my husband calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly
'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on
this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's
waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and
in a loud voice, said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and
shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the
way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is! Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Catholic Coffee
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
60 + Deodorant
One of the problems with getting older, one tends to be not too swift on figuring out instructions!
60-plus deodorant
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk; but whenever I fart,
the room smells awesome !
60-plus deodorant
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk; but whenever I fart,
the room smells awesome !
GAS CHAMBER
I'm only sending this to those
I know are in favor of the death
penalty. Violence should have
serious consequences, and the punishment should reflect the
crime.
The Arkansas Gas
Chamber
Not a pretty way to die, but extremely effective. Since this gas chamber was pressed into service... violent crime in Arkansas has dropped 90%.
I know are in favor of the death
penalty. Violence should have
serious consequences, and the punishment should reflect the
crime.
The Arkansas Gas
Chamber
Not a pretty way to die, but extremely effective. Since this gas chamber was pressed into service... violent crime in Arkansas has dropped 90%.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
car salesmen
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."
Doctors
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt
was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said:
" Dave , don't worry about it. You aren't the firstmedical
practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go Dave ."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality whispering: " Dave ........................ Dave ..........
Dave.... Dave..... DAVE, YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK
BASTARD!!!"
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt
was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said:
" Dave , don't worry about it. You aren't the firstmedical
practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go Dave ."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality whispering: " Dave ........................ Dave ..........
Dave.... Dave..... DAVE, YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK
BASTARD!!!"
1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly...
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!
I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly...
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Blood transfusions
American Medical Association researchers have found that
Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know...
Patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know...
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
Said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
Said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
Monday, October 12, 2009
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
Police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
Only a Newfoundlander can make you feel like a REAL woman!!
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Newfoundland stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved as he removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped... Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die.' Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Newfoundland stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved as he removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped... Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand,
a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand,
a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;
buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;
buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy obeys and says, '99'!
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'
Again, the guy says,'99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three'...
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy obeys and says, '99'!
The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'
Again, the guy says,'99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three'...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room..
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... Miss Beatrice, As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room..
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... Miss Beatrice, As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in
his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make
love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up
and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know
that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd
realize I was talking to the sheep."
his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make
love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up
and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know
that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd
realize I was talking to the sheep."
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"
Thursday, October 08, 2009
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
"I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
centipede
John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug),which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the Situation.He decided to ask him one more time. This time,putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fucking shoes on!
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug),which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the Situation.He decided to ask him one more time. This time,putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fucking shoes on!
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Monday, October 05, 2009
Love Making Tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No More blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely Sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading Cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No More blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely Sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading Cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"145," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 170.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 6," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall
And slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"145," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 170.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 6," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall
And slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Friday, October 02, 2009
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with
men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams
of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over,
spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with
men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams
of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over,
spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Thursday, October 01, 2009
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COURAGE??
How do you define courage??
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight??
Is it to drive a formula 1 car??
Is it to fly a fighter in combat??
Is it to practice free falling parachuting??
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting??
Is it to gamble your salary on the toss of a coin??
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar??
Is it to insult your boss??
Is it to go on a defective Ferris wheel??
Bullshit.....those are nothing!?
THIS IS COURAGE!
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight??
Is it to drive a formula 1 car??
Is it to fly a fighter in combat??
Is it to practice free falling parachuting??
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting??
Is it to gamble your salary on the toss of a coin??
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar??
Is it to insult your boss??
Is it to go on a defective Ferris wheel??
Bullshit.....those are nothing!?
THIS IS COURAGE!
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
John said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
John said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have you ever wondered if the bills
in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day ..
Rember to wash your Hands
That's my public service announcement for the day.
Thank you very much!
in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day ..
Rember to wash your Hands
That's my public service announcement for the day.
Thank you very much!
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