BEST SIGN EVER

Brian

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.. He died. I'm married to his frickin' widow."

A man's wife is in a coma in the hospital

The man, exhausted, sleeps in the waiting room as the nurse gives his wife a towel bath. As the nurse does this, she notices a slight movement from the comatose woman as she runs the washcloth over the woman's private parts. The nurse gently wakes the man up, and as he rubs sleep from his eyes, she tells him, "I noticed something when bathing your wife, and it makes me think she might respond to oral sex." The man thinks a moment, then says, "OK, I'll give it a try." He goes into the room while the nurse watches the woman's vital signs from the monitor at the nurse's station. Suddenly, the heart monitor goes flat with a loud "BEEEEP". The nurse charges off and almost crashes into the man as he exits the door of the woman's room. "What happened!?" she shouted. "She choked."

BAD START TO A DATE

A pervert

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight cunt with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

kick in the balls

"Women always say that giving birth is way more painful then a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a women will often say "it would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say ' I would like another kick in the nuts'. Case closed

There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi . He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio. He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio. So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?" The driver replied: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get your ass out of my car and wait for a camel.”

Tattoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh. The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!" The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh". The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay. The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing." The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?" The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."