Larry is in room 233

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Steve Martin on Sex

Tom Clancy on sex

Bob and Larry

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at
A bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
Your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
Threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
Dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
Drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to
Give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've
Puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
Too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said
Hes was verrr y sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the
Cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But
This is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants,
Too."

Cocktails

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread .'

THE DEAD GOLDFISH......

Click to enlarge

Can you name this animal?.....

Don't know huh?


Scroll down...

/

/

/

/

/


It's a 'Dill-Doe' !

You figure it out . I've got a headache.

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

December 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for thefirst time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor



December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all..

December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel
December 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right.
More shovelling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying..

December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white !@#% fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the washroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the guy is lying.

December 23rd Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24th 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow . I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
@#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her


December 26th Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here?
It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.



December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE's driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9" predicted.

December 31st Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?????

The beginning of Christmas Season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

A Trip To Victoria Secret

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying,
"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and
thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take
this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think
for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"

Love in a Bar

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot over to the woman and said,' This is from the gentleman seated over there,' pointing and indicating to the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: 'For your information I have a special edition Jaguar XJS convertible,a crimson pearl Cadillac XLR, a mecerdes 420 SL,a lincoln navigator and a custom 1949 Mercury showcar in my garages, beautiful homes located in the Virgin Islands, St.
Louis, Cape Coral and New Smyrna Beach .There is over ten million dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself, would I cut three inches off, so just send the bottle back!'

Blond Cowboy

The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots.

The sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'

So here I am."

A COP'S WORST NIGHTMARE

Anyone who has ever been in law enforcement
prays that they will never get a call like this on their watch.
WARNING ---- The photo is very graphic.
NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART................

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of

the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started .

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.

You spend you r last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa- like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

no one rides

A Farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, 'Son, come with me.' He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, 'That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.'

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, 'Okay, Dad.' A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a
new two-wheel bicycle.

Well, he gets the same excuse. . 'as soon as that tractor is paid for . . '

Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster right off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, Now Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!'

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, 'Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.'

Talking Clock

A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple
of his friends late one night.


He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong
and a mallet.


"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the Newfie replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the Newfie.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the
gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

fly a kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, A forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??' "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration Only.

The Blond Pilot

THE BLONDE PILOT A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.

The Instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly, skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.

The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked, "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan."

Everything will kill you

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Surgerns

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing

surgeries they had performed.



One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case,

a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them,

and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of

England.

The second surgeon said. "That's Nothing. A young man lost an arm and

both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won

gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.



The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman

was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse, head-on, into a

train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the

woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together

and now she's a senator from New York and running for President of the

United States.

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the
5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

"He's decomposing."

Proof That The World Is Nuts !

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed
in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is that a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(No Comment necessary)

Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids...

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.



********************



MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************



JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************



SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you Dumb Ass"

********************



HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************



HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************



GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************



There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Last Shopping Day

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile
phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd
be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving
what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get
in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up
shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee
and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the

last shop.

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she
dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about
her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You
went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!

I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours
enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the
Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because
it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the
rest of his life he will require round the clock > care. And you'll now be
his carer!" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and
sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling
your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"

I LOVE YOU

Hubby gets "I love you" tattooed on his knob & goes home to show wife.

She says "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth"

Shortest joke I've read in a long time

A teenage boy asks his granny 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'


Granny: 'Forget the frickin pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

Three Roses

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.


Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.


"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:


"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit.


He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Recent poll

The following question was asked in a recent poll:

"Are there too many immigrants in Canada?"


21% Said 'Yes'


17% Said 'No'


62% Said عهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

A pencil and a Catholic education

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually
she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while
she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and
continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret
and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary
Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more
time, I'll break it in half!'


The nun fainted.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Chretien's Retirement dinner :

At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Chrétien and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell over the table.

Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.

Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".

Welcome to Canada

A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to the Canada .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, Money for food, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Jamaican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !"

The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, Shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Canada !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am Not Canadian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Canadian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

Too old to squat..

TOO OLD TO SQUAT!!!!!!!!!!!
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

A little later, two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by.
When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.
She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"

Happy Halloween All!

Seniors' Halloween

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to
dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between
her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go any way I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a
potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?"

He replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sourpuss, I can go as a dick-tator.

East Coast (Newfoundland Canada) Fishing

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Newfie answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

'We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, we have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?' Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.' The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.' 'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?' The Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to ' er.' Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?' The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'

Pan- handling in Toronto

Ali and Mohamed are panhandling on the Toronto subway. Ali drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Mohamed only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Mohamed asks Ali how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10.00 bills every day.

Ali says 'look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Mohamed looks at Ali's sign.

It reads:
'I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country.'

Supermarkets

One day, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

"Listen mate Tesco's now have computerised surgeries, for five pounds.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits £5 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the

sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his

dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen, he deposits £5, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water

softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....


Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Fireman Sex

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


"From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
" The next night he came home from work and yelled

" BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "
Y OU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Saskatchewan grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!

In classic form he attempted to deflect attention and n ot knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied,

Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.

He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire province.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Affairs

The 1st Affair:



A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her
place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up
at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair:



A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife
got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had
eve r seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!




The 3rd Affair:



A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the
largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"



The 4th Affair:



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum po! wder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."



The 5th Affair:



A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstair s with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."



The 6th Affair:



Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly,
I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
----- End forwarded message -----

christmas tree

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?



The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".


"Onions?"


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

" Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"


The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,

" Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."


"A Christmas tree?"


"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Grandma's house

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded Him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eaing at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Dusty Underwear

Dusty Underwear



One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his

wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.

Maybe

it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't

let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his

drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little

"dust"

cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum

powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...

"It's not talcum powder......

It's 'Miracle Grow'."

The Nurse

THE NURSE...........Oh how I feel her pain!!!!


A nurse walks into a bank totally
exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she
pulls a rectal thermometer out of
her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
and without missing a beat says,
'Well, that's great..........
that's really great .........
some a**hole has my pen.'

Desperate wife

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her,

the psychic delivered the bad news...
"There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt. Prepare yourself to be

a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the

single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the

question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away

with it?"

Now I understand....

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide Let's see now. . . ?

No Jesus?
No Christmas?
No television No nude women No cheerleaders?
No baseball?
No football?
No hockey?
No golf?
No tailgate parties?
No Wal-Mart?
No Home Depot?
No pork BBQ?
No hot dogs?
No burgers?
No chocolate chip cookies?
No lobster?
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks?
No gumbo?
No jambalaya?
No Beer?
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.?
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.?
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.?
More than one wife.?
You can't shave.?
Your wives can't shave.?
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.?
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.?
Your bride is picked by someone else.?
She smells just like your donkey.?
But your donkey has a better disposition?
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!?
I mean, really, is there a mystery here???

Walmart shopper banned ( no it was not me)

What do you do when 'The Little Woman' takes you shopping ? Here are some ideas for you.

Wal-Mart Bans Shopper Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different-sized funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least.....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

--- CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the
well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Tang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and crawl
reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she
was instructed. Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now crawl reery, reery fass
back to me." As she did, Dr Tang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever
see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Tang sighed deeply and
replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like
your ass."

Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking. The smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The
middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically
balanced.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first sh ot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

Fishing

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box.

Close your Garage Door

A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN

HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP

HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY UNDERSTOOD . THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.

WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "
"NO BOSS I DIDN'T,, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES"

MY NEXT LIFE By George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready ;for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...


You finish off as an orgasm.


I rest my case.

a lesson in Managment

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, ut she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

attractive bartender

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive bartender serving drinks to a
meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can
I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young
lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

They grow em big in Arkansas

An Arkansas University fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Arkansas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Arkansas fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Arkansas baby boy. He's gonna be a University of Arkansas football player.

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW! One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Arkansas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. He asked," What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born! "

The Arkansas father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says," Had him circumcised." GO Hogs!!!!

Home projects through time

You are in the middle of a project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room...whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.



Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to

Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.

You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes.

The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.

You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

Married Women

Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

insect repellent sailsman

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I
guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.
I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case
from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you
rich.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and
his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was
there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total
wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son." he said,, Now you don't have a
bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked at him through bloodshot eyes and asked with a
weak croaking voice "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Lost Last Name

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me,
' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.'
'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.'
'Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.'
'Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

5 questions you want answers for

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Now, you know everything you need to know.

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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Third Place:

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into
the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.


One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Troubles in Bed

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter
what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. Whil e the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't
help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband,
'let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man
gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:


'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America! ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opp! osite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

New Pet

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer .
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on."

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

QUICKIE IN THE BUSHES

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a
nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a
hundred years,when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would
you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But
let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you can shit on its head."

Jealous Lover

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of
another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
Reassured

No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands


That's me before the surgery."

QUIZ

take this Quiz

Mexican Earthquake...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Mom Im Pregnant

An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and says: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
Stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Replied the parrot

This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
"That's really cool, where did you get him?"

"Sturgis." Replied the parrot, "They're all over the place!"

To many Kids

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."

Biology Ezam

Students in Biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always at the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in really awesome containers.

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing

Drug Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in
the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man
looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent
and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name
is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show
you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out,
the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to
"search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the
aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a
woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw
on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy",
and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend
her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few
seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."


"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back
to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to shyte all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

what the hell would you say?

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the
lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Nellie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Nellie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Nellie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Nell, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Nellie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Nellie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Nellie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"

WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....


'Only when he's been drinking.'