Blonde's Year 2007 in Review

January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February -- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March -- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April -- Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June -- Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July -- Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August -- Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September -- The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October -- Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November -- Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December -- Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!

Male Strippers

Last night, my blond friends and I went to a
Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls, Jenny, wanted to impress the
rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
Jenny licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his
butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend Brenda, pulls
out a $20 bill. Brenda called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend Mary, pulls out a $50 bill and
calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going,
but fortunately, Mary just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks
again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races
over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me,
Gloria, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my
wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks,
and left!!!!

Business Owners

A man owned a small business, and an agent from the federal employment office came for a surprise visit.
"You say there's a problem here?" the boss inquired.
"That's what we hear, sir," the agent said. "You are required by law to cooperate."

"Whatever you boys need is fine with me," said the cooperative man.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the businessman, "there's my foreman who's been with me for nine years. I pay him $1,500 a week."

"Who else?" the agent said.
"And the office gal has been here for three years, and I pay her $450 per week."

"And?" the agent insisted, clearly looking for the businessman to admit something in particular.

"The only other one is the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He only gets about $100 per week, though he gets a bottle of bourbon every payday --
which he has to nurse along for the rest of the month.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to!" says the agent. "The half-wit that you don't even pay minimum wage!"

"Yer talkin' to him," replied the boss.

Top 10 Thoughts For 2008

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial
tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a
clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in
charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today

"Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn
your ass tomorrow."

Gotta LOVE Newfies...

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was
to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute,scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about related,but it sure would make us even.'

Subject: Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

A young man goes into the Job Center in Edmonton, Alberta and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Red Deer, Alberta. That's about 160 kilometres from here.' 'Oh why, is that where the job's at?' 'No sir - that's the end of the lineup!'

Subject: Body Found

Today the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay ????

Help Wanted

A older man from the OASIS community goes into the Job Center in Menifee, California and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies, "Oh yes here it is. The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Tucson, Arizona. That's about 500 miles from here.

''Oh why, is that where the job is?'' "No sir - that's the end of the lineup!

Cab Fare

One rainy spring night in St. Augustine, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Vilano Road,' answered the woman.

'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'

'Well ma'am', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?

Hearing Test

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)

'Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!!!!'

Child birth

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Here I am God

A young Canadian soldier was attending some college courses between assignments
He had also completed missions in Afghanistan .
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the
professor shocked the class when he came in. He Looked to the ceiling and
flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got
down to the last couple of minutes when the young soldier got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the
platform. The professor was out cold. The young man went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and
sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, "What the hell is the matter with! you? Why did you do that?"
Came the reply,
"God was too busy today protecting our soldiers who are protecting your right to talk stupid and act like an JERK. So, He sent me"

putting Your Affairs In Order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order

Little Johnny's Back Again

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* ; * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

New windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those > expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo'? (I told him). 'It's been a year'!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Going to see the urologist

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and

staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after

several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,

and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the

couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed

through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

How we go into Heaven

ears and hearing

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Only in Calgary

John and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."
John's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."
John's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says
"We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. !
You must park......... " then the electric power goes out.

John's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to a Blonde, John says,
Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Politics

Jack Layton and Stephen Harper somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Jack Layton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Jack was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife Olivia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Stephen and said, "How about you, Mr. Harper ?

Harper replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
brothel smells like".

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

The Cruelest Form of Eye Tests for Old Geezers!

Get Well Soon

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

New Law

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota

Balloon flicking

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all
around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off."? You're going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the
shopping Center.


Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left
for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet
where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putti ng away the grocery gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her Doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,
but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down
on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and! POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere, on him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this
is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to
find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging
out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school".

George Burns on Sex

Kellog's

Kellogg's has brought out a brand new, very appropriate, breakfast cereal version for the 2008 election year. See below...

The Fire Fighter and the Little Girl

A fire fighter is working on the fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right -- but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A little Lisp

John took his blind date to a carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."

Cab Fare

One rainy spring night in St. Augustine, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Vilano Road,' answered the woman.

'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'

'Well ma'am', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?

Kathleen and the paramedic

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

The Old Dying Priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had Faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come
near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Ex prime-ministers Jean Chretien and Brian
Mulroney before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father." replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Prime ministers office and waited for
a response. Soon the word arrived, former prime-ministers would be delighted
to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Jean commented to
Brian, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly
help our images and might even get me re-elected
someday." Brian, agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brian's hand in
his right hand and Jean's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of
serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Brian Mulroney
spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you
choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Brian.
"Amen," said Jean.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."

ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination a gainst not only
blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit..
on your knee'.

Deer for Supper

man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that won't tell the kids what it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

Well he said, it's what mommy calls me sometimes.

The little girl screams to her brother,

Don't eat it, it's an asshole !

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on
a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's
later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.

Pour it on. Make a v olcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat
step #3.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim,
pass. Why bother? It's like buyin g a sports car with
an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as man y as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice o f each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When
else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, c hocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

Montana State Trooper with a sense of humoor

A Winter Statistic

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."

Rodney Dangerfield on Sex

Amazing

This is Amazing!

Forward this message to
5 people
Within
3 minutes
And
F*CK ALL
will happen!


I tried it twice and it worked both times!!

Absolutely f*ck all happened !!!

THIS REALLY WORKS !


Pass this on.....more people need to know this!!!

costly but worth it

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing..
Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going rate on the east coast now exceeds $10,000. Many men feel it is worth it.

Woody Allen

New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he
might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big
checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer place d the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ."

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times," I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE REAR THAN YOURS!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Texas A&M's Vet s School

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to
have two important qualities as a doctor :
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'Life's tough,
it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Frosty

Cold Chilli

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az.



He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.



After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"



The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."



Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.



The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl.



The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Ole' is cool!

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman In the shadows. "Twenty dollars!" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face."

On Aging

Idiot Sightings

** We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor
on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and
said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger
than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' We
haven't used Sears repair since.

** My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a
quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,
but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and
went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and
he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not
do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and
75 cents in change.

** I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore.'

**My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

** I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

** The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

** At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This
is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


** I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no
less.


** When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I
announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already
got that side.'

STAY ALERT!...They walk among us

The Pretzel Hold

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold. If he does, you're finished"; the Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

Hot Flash

In case you've ever wondered - - - - -
What a Hot Flash Looks Like

(wait for it...)

Door Frame

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU
WERE AND DATED THE MARK ?

WELL, THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE!

LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART!

Rained out

One Saturday morning, I got up early, dressed, quietly slipped quietly into the garage to put my golf clubs into the trunk, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with rain, and the wind was howling at about 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There, I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of over 30 years replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there golfing in that shit?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

Did you ever wonder?

Did you ever wonder what ever happened to the guy in Mad Magazine?

Watch as he grows up.

Heart

Good Shot

wo old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house .

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."