A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one big hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car
Waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the
Anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course
In town and it's 9:30 already.
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is
Surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
Without using anything to kill the pain.'

So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your
mouth Honey, and show him

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
!
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
!
!

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE

Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
---------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
--------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
---------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know......it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart....Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt & nbsp;seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .. .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
---------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
---------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder Instruction Manual.'

Lost in Nova Scotia.

Only a Canadian would get this:

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadie (shoe-ben-aack-ad-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and said:

"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns..."

West Jet

After a West Jet flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome To Flight 293, non-stop from St. John 's to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and.... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the Intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!'
One Newfie passenger yelled,
'Lard tunderin Jesus b'y... You should see the back of mine!'

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio
demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills.

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted
cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came
running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly
but I thought, 'what the heck' and I started
jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily,
from all the jumping up and down, told me
that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for awhile so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean there's more."

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby.
We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....




(You're going to love this!)







"Well, that was the easy part. I went to WalMart
and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a
TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

2009 Joke of the year !

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

Wine Regions

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I
can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." They guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill do me a favour.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said........... Your house."

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

How bad is the economy?

It's so bad women are having sex with men because they can't afford batteries!!!!

Seniors - don't mess with them!

Two businessmen in Texas were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Harry and Wife

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job," Harry replied.

She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.

He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."

She runs back to Harry. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

UCLA Study Of Women and Mens Faces

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is In her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.. No further studies are expected.

Police Entrance Test

An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers,
six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:
'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to
your wife in the future?'
'Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw
you making love yesterday.'> Paddy said,
'Silly buggers!
- the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday!!'

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome!!!

looking for Love

The Best Smart Ass Answers Of 2008!!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight
attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

SMART
ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police
car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.


When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her
head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she
sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

The Journey Of Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Dear Abby,

I am a 13 year old girl from Saskatchewan and I am still a virgin.

Do you think my brothers are gay?

Blonds arn't dumb

This blonde Lady decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she if OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this....
Betcha will . . . . .
Scroll Down





"FOR BEST RESULTS,

PUT ON TWO COATS."

“In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand,
and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first
evening.

The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!”

The president of Budweiser asked for “The King of Beers, make it a Bud!”.

Adolph Coors requested a “From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don’t mind.”

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.

Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.

“And you sir?” he queried.

“I’ll have a Coke!” was Guinness’s reply.

“A Coke??!?” The waiter was shocked.

“Wouldn’t you rather have a Guinness, sir?”

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. “Well,”
he said, “If they’re not drinking beer, then neither will I!”

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him..

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:



"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO> for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March........"

The Texas Baby Boy!

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. One woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"...had him circumcised."

Bad Medical Assessment

Two medical students were walking along the
street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like
that."

The other student says: "No, I don't
think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs
are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to
ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical
Students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what
do you have?"

The old man
said, "I thought it was GAS......................but I was wrong, too!"

Texas Rancher

A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio..

The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your
employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher.=

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy , if you explain the kids."

A teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school
asked her students if they could tell the class what noise a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said:
"Up against the wall mother f#cker!"

I guess there aren’t too many farms in Detroit .......................

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'



Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

Bible and a Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
And his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Lion Taer needed

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show
up One is a older retired golfer in his late sixties and the
other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last
tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your
equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to
lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my
life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

New Sex Study

It has been determined, the most used
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He�rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that shit.

Green Side Up!

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor
in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the
colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a
neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the
next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not
stark, but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is
even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then
once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell
you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green
side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blonde gals laying sod across the street."

Nudist Colony Rules

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his
clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde
walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for
me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the
side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and
happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered
out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him
over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500
membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a
chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart
15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in The f*ckin' boat"

From Canadian Riders Forum

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'We haven't used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa, ON

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'Story from Collingwood, ON

HERE'S YOU SIGN IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Winnipeg, Manitoba

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'Happened in Toronto, Ontario

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She is a government employee in Montreal, P.Q.

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it?s open!'His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph, Ontario STAY ALERT!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well,
and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

John Hinckley

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley From:
Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.....S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

and oldie but worth repeating

A cowboy walks into a cafe and notices an old cowboy with his arms
folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes
of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks
the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and
in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to
his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to
the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very
shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

California

Do you know what happened 159 years ago... back in 1850?

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class inToronto, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."
"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless Canada

AUSTRALIAN View Of Torturing Terrorists:

One thing about blokes from Australia is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Mr. T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'

A Newfie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.


Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Newfie
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Newfie started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

ATTENTION: ALL BORDER PATROL AGENTS...

Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!

Stephen Harper, was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,
I am the Prime Minister of Canada
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead
Her reply was,





'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees,

Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'

Lost Wife

An older man approached an attractive younger woman
at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow,
said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with a chest like yours, she appears out of nowhere

GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball.' He replied, ' Texas State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't
even know the way to the Post Office."

The Irish Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning their next Golf outing at the club.

Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go saturday because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the Golf course, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting in the club house having a full breakfast.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't play tomorrow.

Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see -through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want' . . ."

and so here I am!

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...


'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Saskatchewan redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Saskatchewan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Canada'

You gotta love those Saskatchewan gals!!!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great! I be at work soon.........

You got Nice house'

Two of the greatest qualities in life are:

Patience

and

Wisdom

After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John's.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way

home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'

The Blonde Surgery Patient..........

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said..

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Married too long

This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says
”Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
“Yes,” she answers, seductively.
“Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”

Canada's Economy

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

Woman in labor, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

A Charitable Act

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."

I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and
bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
__________________________________


My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'

The Robot Bartender.........

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100".

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst 1000, cricket, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly.
"So................You gonna follow The Leafs again this year?"


Thanks to Otis at Canadian Riders forum fot this joke

A Blonde goes to the cleaners and drops of a shirt. As she leaves the woman behind the counter says "Come Again"... The Blonde says "No it's toothpaste this time! Nosey Bitch!

The sequel all men are still waiting for ...

eBay SCAM…

PLEASE BE AWARE AND TAKE NOTE OF eBay TRADERS, NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED...
I'VE BEEN SCAMMED (bast**ds!)....

I ORDERED A BLOW UP DOLL....
AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SENT ME...

Business Update;

Just Announced - IKEA to take over GM

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM,
AND TO SELL CARS.

A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom

A Cape Breton farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*!k would you say?'

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady,
I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.

'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is
something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottle won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.... ..wrong instructions. ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 .... 'duh'..there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Blond Job

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type.

She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

The maid's pay increase

Our maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Parrot

An elderly woman bought a parrot.
The woman asked if it would
behave if she took it to church with
her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem, that
she could put him on her shoulder and he
would stay there.
She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him
on her shoulder and went off to
church. Just as everyone quieted down and
the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked and
said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her, she
ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day, she returned
to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to
the owner.

The owner offered the following solution,
"If the parrot does that again, grab
him by the legs and swing
him around 5 times and return him to you shoulder.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure
enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked,
"It's goddamned cold in here!"

Without any hesitation, the woman
grabbed his legs, swung him around 5
times, and placed him
back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head,
ruffled his feathers and said,
"Pretty fucking windy, too!"