Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour-enjoy

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good,
son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep
shit.'

The following is the proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you Male, or female?


To find out the answer, Look down....


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Look down, not scroll down dumb ass!

One word of two

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

There goes the diet!!!

Pregnant at 68

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant..

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:.........."Does she still have the hiccups?"

Old Nun

An old nun who was living in a convent next
to a construction site noticed the coarse language
of the workers and decided to spend some time
with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch,
sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag
and walked over to the spot where
the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and
with a big smile said:
"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

'why'?

The worker yelled back,
"Cuz, his wife's here with his lunch"

RANDY ROONEY ON SEX ~ AND HE'S RIGHT ON ~

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '

Letter to Jessi James

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a dispicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.


~Tiger Woods

Chippendale Dancers from around the world

Chippendale from Africa



Chippendale from India



Chippendale from Egypt



Chippendale from Tibet



Chippendale from Russia



Chippendale from Greese

Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,

How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?

The salesperson answers, which one do you mean, Sir?


We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for
$19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks: It's what?

Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of
Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's balls!"

Today's word is..... Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line..

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too

Wife: “How many women have you slept with George?”

Husband: “Only you, darling…..with all the others I was awake!”

Hospital visiting hours: 10:00 – 16:00

How Fights Start.......

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

================


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
================


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started..

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================


I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started

================

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Economic Stimulus Payment

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It's money the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Chile, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day!


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

IRISH BLONDE

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid..
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men are men.

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could
tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a
Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small
can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's
the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

3 Women

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Nice to be Retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires.

So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had Quebec plates. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Catholic Moose

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak. But, all of Jack's neighbours were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: "You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic."
Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanting "You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.

the mountie and the juggler

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver

answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way toBrandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.



While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test."

Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high-pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off?’


'Not really. You'd be amazed how powerful you get when you bite your own nuts.’

Medical Student's

Two medical students were walking between classes when they saw an old man on the sidewalk ahead of them walking strangely. He was walking slowly and stiff-legged and his legs were spread further apart than normal.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Would you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS but I was wrong, too!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blond's living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

DISNEYLAND

Two blond's were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

new positions for old people

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Gladys!'he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in ...You look like an asshole.'

Harley Joke

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there, do you want to go
for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries
down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "I'm feeling generous today! I'll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams
out. . .

"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley!
So ride it by yourself!"

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown...

QUIZZ

I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently its Africa .

General Norman Schwarzkopf

In a recent interview,
General Norman Schwarzkopf
was asked if he thought
there was room for forgiveness
toward the people who have harbored
and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated
the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said:

“I believe that forgiving them is God's function.

OUR job is to arrange the meeting”

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired
guys are walking down a street in
Yuma, Arizona ...
They turned a corner and see a sign
that says, 'Old Timers
Bar - all drinks 10
cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is
too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that
carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for
you! What'll it be,
Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men
ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four
iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10
cents each, please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a
moment. Then look at each other.They can't believe
their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,
and order another round. Again, four excellent
martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,
'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two
martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime a
piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ,' the bartender said, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for
$125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a
dime......wine, liquor, beer, it's all the
same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the
men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't
help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who
didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything
the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at
the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
'What's with
them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired sorts from
Canada. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half
price.'

A Priest, Please!

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his Last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down,
leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:


B-4 . . . I-19 . . . N-38 . . . G-54 . . . O-72

SEXUAL HARRASSMENT???????

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Mrs. Mallory

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .
You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"

What are you going to do?

Russian Beer Com.

Did you know:

1. That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

2. That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

3. And Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?

Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's on Boxing Day and spots a very exquiste diamond bracelet. As she bends over to take a closer look at this gorgeous piece of jewelry she unexpectedly passes gas.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "oops" and prays that no salesperson was anywhere near her. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing directly behind her. He was extremely good looking, cool as a cucumber displaying all the qualties one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, "Good Morning Madam, How may we help you today?"

Blushing & uncomfortable but still hoping the salesman somehow missed her 'little incident' she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely exquisite bracelet?"

Still unflapable, the salesman responds, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!!"

How Dinosaurs became extinct.

The very first "senior moment"

male and female whale

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!
Let's swim closer!

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."

And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

" China's Little Johnny"

A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.

The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"
Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?" Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."
"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?"
Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk

Origin of the White Wedding Dress

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Sex Study...

It has been determined the most used
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Irish 4

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper
on this side either!"

Irish 3

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim., but where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be
telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your
husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at
Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell
me truth, Tim.. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he
got out three times to pee."

Irish 2

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut
and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean.
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was,
but useless in a fight."

Old Farmer and Chuck

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Sports Trivia

The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling
The sport of choice for front-line workers is football
The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball
The sport of choice for middle management is tennis and....
The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf
Of all these facts we are sure.

The Inescapable and Astounding Conclusion:
The higher you go up the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls become

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said... 'Then, why do you even give a Shit'

The New CEO

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice,
'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

Truckers

A trucker who had been out on the road for three straight weeks
stopped at a brothel outside Vegas. **

He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500...00 and said, "I
want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you know that for
that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a
three-course meal??"**

The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny .... I'm homesick!"**

Doctor Doctor

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!

The Price of passing gas

A lady walks into Tiffany's on Boxing Day and spots a very exquiste diamond bracelet. As she bends over to take a closer look at this gorgeous piece of jewelry she unexpectedly passes gas.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "oops" and prays that no salesperson was anywhere near her. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing directly behind her. He was extremely good looking, cool as a cucumber displaying all the qualties one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, "Good Morning Madam, How may we help you today?"

Blushing & uncomfortable but still hoping the salesman somehow missed her 'little incident' she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely exquisite bracelet?"

Still unflapable, the salesman responds, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!!"

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room.
She said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used
his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in
your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and bellowed at him, "Open your hands NOW."
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,
you scared the shit out of him!"

Great country or what!!

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.
At first the lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.
So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first check Friday.
Darn this is a great country.

Tiger Woods was real lucky that he did not live in the country.

Tiger Woods was real lucky that he did not live in the country.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

Finding Jesus

Baptizing a Newfoundlander A Newfie is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.? He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Sears Catalog

Two Newfies look at a Sears catalog and admire the models.
One says to the other: 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in>this catalog? The second replies.
' Yes, they are damn beautiful! And loo kat the price!'
The first says, with wide eyes,' Wow, they are not very expensive. At this price, I am buying one.'
The second smiles and claps him on the back, ' Good idea,order one and if She is as beautiful as in the catalog,
I will get one too.' 3 weeks later, the Newfie asks his chum 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog ?
' The second replies, ' No ! But it shouldn't be long now....
I got her Clothes yesterday!

Health Plans

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

FIVE SHORT STORIES BY MEN

ONE

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

THREE

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

FOUR

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start

Poem's

THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

THE MAN POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Power of Believing in One's Friends

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached
the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would
win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used
up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it
because .. Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the q uestion and the four
choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend
was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the
contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied,

'That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.

'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted..... ......... ......... ....

Proud to be a Canadian

A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.
"The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"
A pause, and a smile.
Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

'Cleanup on aisle 25'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband..

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

A dam good idea

Airport/bus/ferry security

From an engineer (ex-NASA project director) on Airport Security:

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device
you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this
crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long
and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

Old Sailors

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'.

Two Nuns In Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling Through Europe in their car.. They get to Transylvania and are
stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny
little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through
the windshield.

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns..

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water
at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams
as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the fuck off the car'

No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no

shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,

one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation..

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you
don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time
you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and

quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest

and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious
voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya just love military time

6 Truths of Life:

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior
because they can do it.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot too and I needed company.

NEWFIE TREES

A NEWFIE NAMED ERIC IS DRIVING HOME
AFTER DOWNING A FEW AT THE LOCAL PUB.
HE TURNS THE CORNER AND SEES A TREE IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.HE SWERVES TO AVOID IT.
HE REALIZES THERE'S ANOTHER DIRECTLY INHIS PATH!

HE DISCOVERS HIS DRIVE HOME IS CAUSING
HIM TO VEER FROM SIDE TO SIDE TO AVOID ALL
THE TREES.

MOMENTS LATER HE HEARS A POLICE SIREN
AND STOPS HIS CAR.
THE OFFICER APPROACHES HIS CAR AND ASKS HIM WHAT ON EARTH IS HE DOING.
ERIC STARTS TO TELL THE STORY OF THE TREES ON THE ROAD. THE OFFICER STOPS HIM IN MID SENTENCE AND SAYS...

FER CHRISE SAKES,ERIC, THAT'S YER
AIR FRESHENER !

Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the Prairies ~ your perception is a little different.




A farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Olympic Games

In honour of the Olympic Games
Let the Games begin!

Husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived...
I think I'll wear Gold tonight.

Wife says: "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

Illegal immigrant and the hooker

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.

In broken English he says "Do you do Immigrant Style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style."
"No", she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

"I pay you $300."
"No", she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No", she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had
every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in
every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?"

The illegal immigrant replies "You send bill to Government."


AND THAT FOLKS....
IS HOW ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
ARE SCREWING US !!!!

AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!

(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to itsoriginal state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it..


(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.

(8). Crime -- We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes ...... nevertheless....


GOD BLESS AMERICA !


Sincerely, Bill Cosby

Somebody has finally made an orthopedic bed just for MEN.

Can be ordered in three firmness levels.....
"Saline, Silicone or Natural" in sizes C - DDDD......
Anyone wanting less than a C should just sleep on the floor.
Available only at 'Butts, Boobs & Beyond'

Best Friend

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Newfoundland Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided
that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor tol him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the
problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to
go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
And count to 10.

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't
see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in
a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1" "2" "3" "4" "5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan.

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, with a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

"I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.", so he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, 'This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

As the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'

Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM??

What a Musician

Blonds 1.0

Why are Raincoats Yellow?


Any more Questions ?

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin'
to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye
and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Only In Texas

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York
And is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX .
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."


The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
Beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"


God Bless Texas

Translating Cree Story

An Cree Indian, walking through a field, sees a man using his hand as a scoop to drink water from a pond.

The Indian calls out to the man,
'kâya minihkwê anima nipiy. mostos omêyi anima êkota kâ-minihkwêyan'
(Translation: Don't drink that water. It's full of cowshit!)

The man shouts back, 'I'm English! Can't you speak English! Are you completely ignorant, you asshole?!'

The Indian calls back, 'Use both hands. You'll get more.'

An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman:
"Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Irishman replies

"If dey fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin' boat."

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh", said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy'
The nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery .
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I
promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

..."It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room

Restaurant Choice

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.