how to grow tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Remember to smile at people.....they will think you are up to something...

God visits a man

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re were not too fucking happy about it in Wal-Mart either!

The Lawler

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.


(keep reading)


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"My Rolex!"

Auto Trader

History of the Condom

Interesting piece of history...

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

You had to ask

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. "do you know who the father is?"

"For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Purchasing or Leasing - which is better?

Many people ask their accountant which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing?

We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of foolish men and cunning women.

Purchasing

The maths on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5
year relationship, it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.

This is Heather...

Leasing

On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's
favourite hooker, Kristen charged $4,000 per night.

This is Kristen...

So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5
years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total
for sex every night .

This represents a $41.7 million savings. What a shrewd cocksman Eliot is, compared to the ageing
Beatle.

Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;

* a (real) 22 year old

* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging

* never a headache

* happily agrees to all technical requests

* no complaining

* no “Honey - please do this” lists

* has two legs

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.

All 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.


Sometimes Leasing just makes more sense.....

This should be taken seriously!!!

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following
Warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
What the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
Are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
Like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
Friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
Can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
Lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
Logically converse with members of the opposite s*x without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
You are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
People are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
Getting your as* kicked..

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

OUCH

After being married for thirty years ... a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"



His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better !!!

Two little kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says “ I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “ You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “ Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

It Just Don't Get No Better Than This!

foot prints for you

.oooO
( ) Oooo.
\ ( ( )
\__) ) /
(__/

Many people will walk in and out of your life but only
a true friend will leave footprints on your computer!

Forward this message to 8 other people.......
and you will get......


Fuck all !
That's right - Fuck all !!!!

You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand, or a fucking holiday in Jamaica, just Fuck all..... it's true....... it works.....!

I sent it and I got........
Fuck all!

Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these things that actually works!

So send it and get Fuck all.
It's brilliant!

ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding
night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked,
Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said;
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life

out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you
have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said,
"Mission Accomplished."

redneck horseshoes

I MET MY NEW DOCTOR!

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female; drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh.t.'

if you were down south

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Wife Tails

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your
money or life... The wives want both!

Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to
get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It
only means that the safety of your head is much more important than
your ego!

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling
single again.

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she
love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

It takes thousand workers to build a castle, Million soldiers to protect
a country, but just One woman to make a Happy Home --------- A Good
Maid!

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:
All girls are devils, but my wife is the queen of them

Taxi Driver

Went to India recently for the commonwealth games, I saw on the back of
a Taxi a sign that said : English speaking Taxi driver. I thought, what
a good idea, why don't we have them in our flipping country??

Prince Charles and the Hooker

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife

As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...........

Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Communication problems?

It's too bad Arnold Schwarzenegger had this little misunderstanding because English isn't his native language.

He told Maria that the babysitter wanted a raise.
Maria said, "Screw her."

Any simple-minded semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right??

It Just Don't Get No Better Than This!

The Winner

THE WINNER OF
THE HOMER SIMPSON
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST!

Boob Apron

sex and cats

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can
tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
Afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
Have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
For my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" .....

A Burning Blonde!

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The idiot called back!"

The Scot (at his first Baseball Game)

A Scotsman moves to Canada , and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming 'RUN!!!'
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers 'RUN!! RUN!!'
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: 'Walk.'
The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, 'RRun ye lazy bast** ard rrrrrrrrrrrun!'
The people around him begin laughing.
Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, 'He can't run - he has four balls.'
The Scotsman stands up and screams: 'Walk with PRIDE Laddie.'

Lucky Mouse

They caught this mouse in a local pharmacy, after it

chewed thru a box of Viagra.

The Redneck

The Redneck went to the hospital
As his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints,
5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, The babies are all black."

little boy and questions

A little boy asks his dad: whats between mum’s legs?

The father answers: paradise, my son

The kid asks again: whats between your legs?

The father replies: the key to paradise

The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!

Paddy and his girlfriend

Paddy rings the door bell of his new girlfriend,
and has a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers,
and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt,
rips her knickers off, and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a
man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they
couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on
the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried
to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

God Bless Saskatchewan

A Saskatchewan man is drinking in a Fort MacMurray bar
When he gets a call on his cellphone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average
Folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."

Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that

Typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 25 pounds at
Birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ..so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened?
He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his Pilsner beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,

Leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised".

God Bless Saskatchewan!!!

Charity Bikini Calendar from Death Wobble

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All proceeds from the calendar will go to the Canadian Motorcycle Tourism Association's Injured Rider Fund

Calendars are $20 + Shipping and Handling.

Check out Ads - Miscellaneous - Charity Bikini Calendar

Stop Teen Pregnancy

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your
knee!"

Lawyer and Ole

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da .....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question.. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her.. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?'

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content....

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you Are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same Thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the F*** ING SALT TRUCK.........."

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe
your wife's favorite flower?'
Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!

Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help.
I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.

Woman?????

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.
I spent $40 on a blow job for myself and she goes f _ _ king mental……. Women?!?!?!

The worst day of my life

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting

and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

little Johnny

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Newfoundland border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Newfoundland boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

Decisions...Decisions

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees. Quietly arriving
home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with
another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Vancouver Canuck’s season tickets.
HE paid for your BC Lions’ season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake ..
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.

HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Fred and Larry

Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and
Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up
yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for Vaseline and I think.....

I gave him my airplane glue.'

Dear Friends,

Over the years, I have received nude photos, dirty jokes and have emailed them to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.

Unfortunately, I seemed to have upset a few people and received criticism for being sexist and shallow. For this I truly apologize.

So, from now on, I am making an effort to only email pictures of old monuments, cultural, and nature sights which are educational and interesting.

For example, on a recent trip I just happened to capture this fantastic shot of a palm tree:

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

A Scotsman in a bar in Cuba

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when

a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and

orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the

whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't

you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.



A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The

man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves

him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The

bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,

"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the

man leaves.



The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of

whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The

bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman

says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your

big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and

says, "Secret Service!"

Windshield Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.


Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck
was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It .. it was only
a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander. They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!

The Newfie won hands down.

MS Error

Computer Question.....

Now here is a challenge !

For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
Try this !
So, you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are .......

WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN ? 123490=qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm

GIVE UP ?

SEE THE ANSWER BELOW !

UPs Man

HONEYMOON....

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

|




Smallcox

Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield.........

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Hooker in Las Vegas

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his
eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,

"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"


"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..


And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of

$500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job

that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off

the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and

unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

MEN VS. WOMEN

Men Are Just Happier People


NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Stupid.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ..... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Why She Changed Hotels!

Last week, a woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture.
She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, she felt he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Hello Willie

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth!

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 Today. Oh the times we've had! Remember we walked on the park in the summer every Sunday Afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy Birthday toes!"



"Hello, knees," he continued.
"How are you? You know you're 92 today.

Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92!

69

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered
he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smel
pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8
times and after that gargled with 1 bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up &
the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry
opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you
have 69 before you came here"? "Why"? Jerry asked, "Does my breath
smell like pussy"?

"No" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like shit."

french fighter pilot

Pierre, a very brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marié, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre , kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and splashes it on her breasts.

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac, setting her lap on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams
furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!
If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Head Gardener FIRED at White House

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents.

When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked,

'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, my ass was fired."

Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ...
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting,

he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically,
'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yen,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection,
which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out
his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'
The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony
and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit...
...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

old news new twist

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella
Was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable
condition, and Louella has been charged with ...
?


?


?





?



A Misdewiener!

How to Shower

(Part 1 of 2) HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint-conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with a towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


(Part 2 of 2) HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo- woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror admiring the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stick on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower..
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Lucky

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business
has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s
so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She
begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my
business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose
my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto!
I’ve lost my business,
my house and I’m going to lose my
car as well.” The Lotto night comes and she still has no
luck.
Once again, she prays… “My God, why have You forsaken me?
I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children
are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get
my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself…
”Sweetheart, work with Me on this… Buy a ticket.”

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Baby Airplanes:

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the ailse and asked the flight attendant the same question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
"Did your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that to you."

follow directions

A man is showering up in a locker room
With his buddy when he notices his friend
Is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob , you're hung!' Jim exclaims..
'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to
Work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years
I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
With butter. I know it sounds crazy but
It actually made it grow 4 inches! You
Should try it.


'Jim agrees and the two depart'

A few months later the two are back in the
Same locker room and Bob asks Jim
How his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob ,
But I've actually gotten smaller! I lost
Two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An
Hour each day with butter?'

'Well, we don't use butter, so I've
Been using Crisco.'
Wait for it ..........
You know it's coming...
Crisco!!' Bob exclaimed. '
Damm it, Jim,
Crisco is shortening!