A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..."
I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and
bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.
Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
__________________________________
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
__________________________________
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Robot Bartender.........
A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100".
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst 1000, cricket, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly.
"So................You gonna follow The Leafs again this year?"
Thanks to Otis at Canadian Riders forum fot this joke
The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100".
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst 1000, cricket, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly.
"So................You gonna follow The Leafs again this year?"
Thanks to Otis at Canadian Riders forum fot this joke
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
eBay SCAM…
PLEASE BE AWARE AND TAKE NOTE OF eBay TRADERS, NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED...
I'VE BEEN SCAMMED (bast**ds!)....
I ORDERED A BLOW UP DOLL....
AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SENT ME...
I'VE BEEN SCAMMED (bast**ds!)....
I ORDERED A BLOW UP DOLL....
AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SENT ME...
Business Update;
Just Announced - IKEA to take over GM
IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM,
AND TO SELL CARS.
IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO TAKE OVER GM,
AND TO SELL CARS.
A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom
A Cape Breton farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*!k would you say?'
In court, the trucking company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*!k would you say?'
Monday, July 06, 2009
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady,
I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'
Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled
to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady,
I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is
something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is
something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottle won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.... ..wrong instructions. ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 .... 'duh'..there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight..
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottle won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.... ..wrong instructions. ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 .... 'duh'..there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Blond Job
An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type.
She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Thursday, July 02, 2009
The maid's pay increase
Our maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
Parrot
An elderly woman bought a parrot.
The woman asked if it would
behave if she took it to church with
her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem, that
she could put him on her shoulder and he
would stay there.
She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him
on her shoulder and went off to
church. Just as everyone quieted down and
the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked and
said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she
ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day, she returned
to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to
the owner.
The owner offered the following solution,
"If the parrot does that again, grab
him by the legs and swing
him around 5 times and return him to you shoulder.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure
enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked,
"It's goddamned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman
grabbed his legs, swung him around 5
times, and placed him
back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head,
ruffled his feathers and said,
"Pretty fucking windy, too!"
The woman asked if it would
behave if she took it to church with
her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem, that
she could put him on her shoulder and he
would stay there.
She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him
on her shoulder and went off to
church. Just as everyone quieted down and
the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked and
said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she
ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day, she returned
to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to
the owner.
The owner offered the following solution,
"If the parrot does that again, grab
him by the legs and swing
him around 5 times and return him to you shoulder.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure
enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked,
"It's goddamned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman
grabbed his legs, swung him around 5
times, and placed him
back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head,
ruffled his feathers and said,
"Pretty fucking windy, too!"
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