A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't
even know the way to the Post Office."

The Irish Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning their next Golf outing at the club.

Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go saturday because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the Golf course, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting in the club house having a full breakfast.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't play tomorrow.

Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see -through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want' . . ."

and so here I am!

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...


'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Saskatchewan redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Saskatchewan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless Canada'

You gotta love those Saskatchewan gals!!!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great! I be at work soon.........

You got Nice house'

Two of the greatest qualities in life are:

Patience

and

Wisdom

After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John's.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way

home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'

The Blonde Surgery Patient..........

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said..

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Married too long

This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says
”Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
“Yes,” she answers, seductively.
“Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”

Canada's Economy

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."

Woman in labor, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.