Drinking in Billy Bob's

As I was standing in Billy Bob’s drinking my beer this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. I said to him, do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu? He says? “No, why the fluck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee”? No I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick".

The new tattoo that women get in Europe, to protect themselves from Muslim men:

New Canadian Government Emblem

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Beaver to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

How to beat a DUI at 3 a.m.

Yep, that will do it.

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." The little old lady went home, picked up her dog and brought it back to the store. She was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." So........... Don't mess with old people.

Miss Kentucky Holding A Teddy Bear

Note: This is the new Miss Kentucky. The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life: Make-up and hair style ................... $500 New dress for the show ..................$700 Giant stuffed bear ............................ $300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand .....Priceless!

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Monday

MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Bad Luck

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.’

Another example of our troopers hard at work. God Bless 'em!

"TAKE YOUR TIME!"

Traffic Stop North Carolina N.C. State Trooper: " Registration please Maam. " Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. " Trooper: " Look again. " Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! " Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. " Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box three times. My registration just isn't in there !! " Trooper: " Ma'am.....Please Check again ! " Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! " Trooper: Look again . . . ..

Cowboy purchase

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

The sign of A JOB WELL DONE

How to stop wives from smoking.

The scientists must have gone to a lot of trouble to work this one out. How to stop wives from smoking.

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .. Their first night there, she undressed as he did There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same-- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-- but now he was wearing a black condom .. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

The Towel

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter
what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. Whil e the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't
help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband,
'let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into
bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man
gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, earsplitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:


'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'

Dilemma

Dilemma of Don't Ask, Don't Tell Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military. No more don't ask don't tell. But what he has really done is cause confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives. This is what can now happen!! You know that Marines are trained to immediately obey orders. So imagine ...................... You're a Marine in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running toward your position. The guy next to you is openly gay. Then your Squad Leader yells out.......... "Shoot the cocksucker!" Do you see the confusion here?

Floss

My dentist sends me photos from time to time as a reminder.

Don't Forget To Floss!

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"