John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Friday, October 30, 2009
While walking down the street one day, a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies..
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today, you voted.'
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today, you voted.'
Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha
All hair removal methods have tricked women with
their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair and now...the wax. Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.....must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's
not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally
see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors,
Nair and now...the wax. Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my
genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip
across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to
pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.....must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the
one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on
the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's
not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to
trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally
see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Who Is Your Real Friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When the trunk is opened, which one is really happy to see you?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A simple way to understand how the Canadian economy works.
Sometime this year, we taxpayers ...MAY receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting new program...... explaination using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, California and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or South Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, .......keep the money in Canada by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to Hockey games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
So, go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and........ drink beer all day!
This is a very exciting new program...... explaination using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Chile, California and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or South Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, .......keep the money in Canada by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to Hockey games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
So, go to a Hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and........ drink beer all day!
Two little boys
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’ HIS FRIEND SAYS,
‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’
Monday, October 26, 2009
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad
that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the
inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So, they buried Susie.
are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad
that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the
inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So, they buried Susie.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. She quickly throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. She quickly throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
Friday, October 23, 2009
A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND, was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too..' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too..' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know
what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
FROZEN SKUNK
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...
THE VET
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and
hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that
wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye
to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O¢, and my husband calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly
'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on
this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's
waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and
in a loud voice, said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and
shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the
way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is! Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and
hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that
wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye
to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O¢, and my husband calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly
'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on
this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's
waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously
seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and
in a loud voice, said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more'. We washed and
shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the
way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the
father is! Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Catholic Coffee
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
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