Longest Nerve in the Body?

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it,

pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't

bring a tear to your eye.

Breasts or Legs

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.








Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

The Story

THIS IS A STORY
ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE
ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
HABIT OF
FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE
HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP
FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP
RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.




HE TOLD HER HE
COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SHE TOLD
HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW
HIS GUTS OUT.



THE YEARS WENT
BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY
MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS
UPSTAIRS SOUND
ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK,
GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT
CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS
WHERE
HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS
BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND
EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS
SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH
HIS
USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING
SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH
ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED
ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE
SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT
TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE
BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY
YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T
LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.


'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP
FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY
THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I
GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.....

Probably enough to offend everybody - hopefully!!

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '.............. Murphy says 'Four!'

One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK........... but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes

' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

Riddle

Try to think this one through. The answer is at the end.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
















DON'T LOOK DOWN

Handsome

A teacher asks a redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and ma jaw gets sore, I use my
handsome."

Kinda brings a tear to yur eye, don't it?

Three Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...
She bought an air conditioner. "
and Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid,
she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both
yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the
other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

CNN interview

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"


"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

"BAIL'EM OUT!!! ????

Hell...........back in 1990, the Government seized the legal Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?!"
"What the Hell are we thinking??"

Saskatchewan farmer

A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January,
are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. They are dressed in
heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc.. An older couple standing nearby is
intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to the husband: "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're
from."

He replies: "How would I know?"

She counters: "You could go and ask them."

He says: "I don't really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse
me. Looking at your dress, I wondered where you're from.."

The farmer replies: " Saskatoon , Saskatchewan ".

The woman returns to her husband who asks: "So, where are they from?"

She replies: "I don't know. They don't speak English"

Mother in law & Daughter in law N.V.

A group of young women decided to arrange for

a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully
get to know and understand each other better..
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law
and the other for the daughters-in- law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law
was involved in an accident and all the passengers
died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a
few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who
wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking
but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize
u were so close to your mother-in-law? "
to which she replied,
"
"
"
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.
"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied,

"He just found a bomb!"

--------------------------------

Hutterites are like that

Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Swift Current and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher,
says to John, the Farm Boss, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies
in dat cage up der,' says John.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob
and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob
shakes his head and says: 'Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me.'

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!

PART TWO:


Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hey, Jacob, vatch dis,' Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as
halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, 'Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.'



BUT WAIT!!!!.....

PART THREE:

Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the bridge and disappears down and down until he too hits bottom.


Jacob shakes his head in sadness. 'First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... und now we've lost Abe hengliding.

Gotta Love Old People

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

Doing Her Hair

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house.”


**

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour-enjoy

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good,
son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep
shit.'

The following is the proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you Male, or female?


To find out the answer, Look down....


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Look down, not scroll down dumb ass!

One word of two

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

There goes the diet!!!