For all you non-Islanders, we have had 70cm of snow in the past week. The snow is not an issue for most of us, but if fell on the golf courses too which is a very serious problem. The following is a blow-by-blow report of the current extreme weather conditions on Vancouver Island (BC)
_ 6:22_ AM - Temperature plunges to -8.3C. Word spreads that a Comox resident finds ice on the windshield of his Beamer. Curious neighbours gather to watch him scrape if off with his Gold Master Card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of the mysterious "defrost" switch on the dashboard of the car can aid in the process.
_ 9:30 AM_ - Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, cricket bats, mashies and nibliks, umbrellas, cookie sheets and boogie boards.
_10:00 AM_ - Golfers at Qualicum's Memorial Golf Club, have broken into the ladies locker room where the ladies' bridge club store their card tables, and are now strapping the card tables to the front of their golf cards in order to clear the fairways and greens. The Pro has sanctioned the use of orange balls.
_ Noon_ - Elementary schools call in grief counselors. Grief counselors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires (tyres)
_ 2:30PM_ Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of female driven SUV four-wheel drive vehicles abandoned by side of road, still in 2 wheel drive mode. When questioned, one female SUV owner asked "what's four wheel drive?"
_2:50 PM_ Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel between Island and the ROTW (rest of the world). Victoria newspaper Times-Colonist headline reads "Mainland cut of from Civilization"
_ 3:00 PM_ Nanaimo-Parksville Conservative Member of Parliament, James Lunney phones Prime Minister Harper asking for financial assistance. PM replies "foreign aid budget all allocated for 2008"
_3:10 PM_ Same MP phones Peter Mackay Minister of Defence asking for assistance from Canada's DART rapid-response military team. Minister replies they will be on the ground in Parksville as early as July 2009, or sooner if they can rent a suitable aircraft from Brazil.
_ 3:30 PM_ BC Lottery Corp. responds to emergency by installing slot machines in Nanaimo homeless shelter _ 4:15 PM_ Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting at grocery stores in Victoria, except for Oak Bay, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them _ 5:40 PM_ TV weatherman Ed Bain in Victoria, shaking uncontrollably tells viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plunges to Winnipeg-in-August temperatures. Martial law is declared and Premier Campbell has called an emergency meeting of his cabinet on the main deck of HMCS Protecteur where an emergency command centre will be established as soon as they dock in Honolulu.
_6:00PM_ The sidewalks are rolled up and you retreat to your parlours with your mulled wine.
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