Going to see the urologist

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and

staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after

several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,

and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the

couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed

through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

How we go into Heaven

ears and hearing

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Only in Calgary

John and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."
John's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."
John's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says
"We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. !
You must park......... " then the electric power goes out.

John's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to a Blonde, John says,
Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Politics

Jack Layton and Stephen Harper somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Jack Layton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Jack was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife Olivia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Stephen and said, "How about you, Mr. Harper ?

Harper replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
brothel smells like".

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

The Cruelest Form of Eye Tests for Old Geezers!

Get Well Soon

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

New Law

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota

Balloon flicking

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all
around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off."? You're going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the
shopping Center.


Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left
for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet
where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putti ng away the grocery gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her Doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,
but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down
on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and! POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere, on him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this
is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to
find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging
out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school".

George Burns on Sex

Kellog's

Kellogg's has brought out a brand new, very appropriate, breakfast cereal version for the 2008 election year. See below...

The Fire Fighter and the Little Girl

A fire fighter is working on the fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right -- but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A little Lisp

John took his blind date to a carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."

Cab Fare

One rainy spring night in St. Augustine, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Vilano Road,' answered the woman.

'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'

'Well ma'am', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?

Kathleen and the paramedic

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

The Old Dying Priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had Faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come
near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Ex prime-ministers Jean Chretien and Brian
Mulroney before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father." replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Prime ministers office and waited for
a response. Soon the word arrived, former prime-ministers would be delighted
to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Jean commented to
Brian, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly
help our images and might even get me re-elected
someday." Brian, agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brian's hand in
his right hand and Jean's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of
serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Brian Mulroney
spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you
choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Brian.
"Amen," said Jean.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."

ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination a gainst not only
blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit..
on your knee'.

Deer for Supper

man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that won't tell the kids what it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

Well he said, it's what mommy calls me sometimes.

The little girl screams to her brother,

Don't eat it, it's an asshole !