Saturday, February 28, 2009
Survivor -Texas Style
You may have to be a Southerner to truly relate to this one!!!!
A major network is planning a new "survivor" show. In response, the
State of Texas is planning: "Survivor, Texas Style"
The contestants will start in El Paso , travel I-20 through Pecos ,
Odessa , Midland , Big Spring , Abilene , Ft.Worth & Dallas. They will
Then proceed down to Waco , Austin , on to San Antonio , up I-10 to
Kerrville , Sonora ,up to San Angelo up to Lamesa, Lubbock, to Amarillo
Over to Herford and back to El Paso .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads:
"I'm gay, I voted for Barak Obama and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to El Paso wins.
A major network is planning a new "survivor" show. In response, the
State of Texas is planning: "Survivor, Texas Style"
The contestants will start in El Paso , travel I-20 through Pecos ,
Odessa , Midland , Big Spring , Abilene , Ft.Worth & Dallas. They will
Then proceed down to Waco , Austin , on to San Antonio , up I-10 to
Kerrville , Sonora ,up to San Angelo up to Lamesa, Lubbock, to Amarillo
Over to Herford and back to El Paso .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads:
"I'm gay, I voted for Barak Obama and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to El Paso wins.
Who Am I
One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.
' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun.
I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.
' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun.
I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....
Convict on the loose
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."
HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'
Poker Players
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Alan accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Alan upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Alan went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Alan admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Alan confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Alan didn't, Alan should be at her house around 2 p.m Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Alan showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Alan quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Alan come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Later, Alan went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Alan admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Alan confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Alan didn't, Alan should be at her house around 2 p.m Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Alan showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Alan quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Alan come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Have you ever heard the concept explained any better than this?
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Friday, February 27, 2009
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!” The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
Top 27 Things Biker Chicks Say....(That make Bikers love them!!)
1.) I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?
3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and …..Have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
5.) God..If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.
7.} You’re so sexy when you're hung-over.
8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.
9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?)
11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.
13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.
14.) Honey..Our new neighbor is sunbathing nude again, come see!
15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.
16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.
17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.
18.) Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.
19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.
23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24.) That was a great ••••! Do another one!
25.) I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!
26.) Babe since I am just sitting over here while you drive I might as will go down on you.
27.) OOo babe you missed, but thats ok I like it there too!
2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?
3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and …..Have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
5.) God..If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.
7.} You’re so sexy when you're hung-over.
8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.
9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?)
11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.
13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.
14.) Honey..Our new neighbor is sunbathing nude again, come see!
15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.
16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.
17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.
18.) Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.
19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.
23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24.) That was a great ••••! Do another one!
25.) I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!
26.) Babe since I am just sitting over here while you drive I might as will go down on you.
27.) OOo babe you missed, but thats ok I like it there too!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
$7 SEX
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrongwith the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he
says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watchagain. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrongwith the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he
says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watchagain. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
Biggest turn on for guys!
Men all over the country are
urging their wives and
sweethearts to get this 'chic'
procedure. The going rate on
the east coast now exceeds
$10,000. Many men feel it is
worth it.
Math at it's best
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
and I'm sure we all know people who give more than 100%....lol
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
and I'm sure we all know people who give more than 100%....lol
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Last Nickel
A father walks
into a restaurant with his young son He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs
up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking.
Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for
help.
A well
dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant.
Reaching the
boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.
Releasing the
boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.
As soon as he
is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney..'
into a restaurant with his young son He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs
up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking.
Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for
help.
A well
dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant.
Reaching the
boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.
Releasing the
boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.
As soon as he
is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney..'
WHORES & HOCKEY PLAYERS.
A man in the Safeway Store tries to buy half a head
of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room,the boy said to his manager, "Some ass hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on
his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"........!!!!
of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room,the boy said to his manager, "Some ass hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on
his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"........!!!!
Fireman
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friendship
Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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