Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Best Smart Ass Answers Of 2008!!!
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight
attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART
ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police
car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her
head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she
sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight
attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART
ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police
car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her
head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she
sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
Friday, August 28, 2009
The Journey Of Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Dear Abby,
I am a 13 year old girl from Saskatchewan and I am still a virgin.
Do you think my brothers are gay?
Do you think my brothers are gay?
Blonds arn't dumb
This blonde Lady decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
You'll love this....
Betcha will . . . . .
Scroll Down
"FOR BEST RESULTS,
PUT ON TWO COATS."
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
You'll love this....
Betcha will . . . . .
Scroll Down
"FOR BEST RESULTS,
PUT ON TWO COATS."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
“In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.
The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand,
and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first
evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!”
The president of Budweiser asked for “The King of Beers, make it a Bud!”.
Adolph Coors requested a “From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don’t mind.”
And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
“And you sir?” he queried.
“I’ll have a Coke!” was Guinness’s reply.
“A Coke??!?” The waiter was shocked.
“Wouldn’t you rather have a Guinness, sir?”
Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. “Well,”
he said, “If they’re not drinking beer, then neither will I!”
The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand,
and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first
evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!”
The president of Budweiser asked for “The King of Beers, make it a Bud!”.
Adolph Coors requested a “From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don’t mind.”
And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.
Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.
“And you sir?” he queried.
“I’ll have a Coke!” was Guinness’s reply.
“A Coke??!?” The waiter was shocked.
“Wouldn’t you rather have a Guinness, sir?”
Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. “Well,”
he said, “If they’re not drinking beer, then neither will I!”
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him..
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."
Her first husband, Ted died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."
Sunday, August 23, 2009
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO> for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March........"
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO> for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March........"
The Texas Baby Boy!
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. One woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"...had him circumcised."
wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. One woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"...had him circumcised."
Bad Medical Assessment
Two medical students were walking along the
street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like
that."
The other student says: "No, I don't
think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs
are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to
ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical
Students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what
do you have?"
The old man
said, "I thought it was GAS......................but I was wrong, too!"
street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like
that."
The other student says: "No, I don't
think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs
are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to
ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical
Students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what
do you have?"
The old man
said, "I thought it was GAS......................but I was wrong, too!"
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Texas Rancher
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio..
The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your
employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus
free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher.=
The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your
employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus
free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher.=
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy , if you explain the kids."
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy , if you explain the kids."
Sunday, August 16, 2009
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
Bible and a Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
And his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
And his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Lion Taer needed
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show
up One is a older retired golfer in his late sixties and the
other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last
tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your
equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to
lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my
life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
up One is a older retired golfer in his late sixties and the
other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last
tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your
equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to
lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my
life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
New Sex Study
It has been determined, the most used
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He�rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that shit.
Green Side Up!
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor
in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the
colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a
neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the
next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not
stark, but very bright and airy."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is
even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then
once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell
you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green
side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blonde gals laying sod across the street."
in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the
colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a
neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the
next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not
stark, but very bright and airy."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is
even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then
once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell
you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green
side up.' What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blonde gals laying sod across the street."
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