Complete and Finished

Complete and Finished,,,,what's the difference??????
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy
to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
But.................... there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander !!!!!!

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

End of story

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get
that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing
home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for
being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement
and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger
every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go
to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even
younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play,
and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last
9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central
heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an
orgasm.

I rest my case.

A distraught senior citizen

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy....as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club... She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

Ole the Hunter

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough. He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over,

it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there is his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."


"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.

I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony Orchestra.

She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

how to grow tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Remember to smile at people.....they will think you are up to something...

God visits a man

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re were not too fucking happy about it in Wal-Mart either!

The Lawler

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.


(keep reading)


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"My Rolex!"

Auto Trader

History of the Condom

Interesting piece of history...

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

You had to ask

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute.. "do you know who the father is?"

"For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Purchasing or Leasing - which is better?

Many people ask their accountant which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing?

We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of foolish men and cunning women.

Purchasing

The maths on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5
year relationship, it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.

This is Heather...

Leasing

On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's
favourite hooker, Kristen charged $4,000 per night.

This is Kristen...

So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5
years @ $4,000 per night, he would have paid only $7.3 million in total
for sex every night .

This represents a $41.7 million savings. What a shrewd cocksman Eliot is, compared to the ageing
Beatle.

Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;

* a (real) 22 year old

* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging

* never a headache

* happily agrees to all technical requests

* no complaining

* no “Honey - please do this” lists

* has two legs

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.

All 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.


Sometimes Leasing just makes more sense.....

This should be taken seriously!!!

Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following
Warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
What the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
Are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
Like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
Friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
Can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
Lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
Logically converse with members of the opposite s*x without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
You are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
People are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
Getting your as* kicked..

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50

OUCH

After being married for thirty years ... a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ..."Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"



His eye is still swollen ... but it will get better !!!

Two little kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says “ I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “ You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “ Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

It Just Don't Get No Better Than This!

foot prints for you

.oooO
( ) Oooo.
\ ( ( )
\__) ) /
(__/

Many people will walk in and out of your life but only
a true friend will leave footprints on your computer!

Forward this message to 8 other people.......
and you will get......


Fuck all !
That's right - Fuck all !!!!

You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand, or a fucking holiday in Jamaica, just Fuck all..... it's true....... it works.....!

I sent it and I got........
Fuck all!

Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these things that actually works!

So send it and get Fuck all.
It's brilliant!

ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding
night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and asked,
Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said;
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life

out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you
have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said,
"Mission Accomplished."