Little girl stuck in fence.

Firemen and RCMP and EMS from the Swift Current Area, all joined in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in a steel fence. Fireman from seven sub stations attended and in all thirty five emergency personnel were in involved. It took several hours to extract her from her predicament. Fire Chief McLaughlin said, 'This was a pretty tough rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the fence.' Although the girl's entrapment was never life threatening it did take careful planning and gentle handling to safely remove her. She was taken to hospital where she was examined and released. Poor thing, this picture just about broke my heart.......

Took the wife to the disco last weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the works". My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down." I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating....!!! "

:: Two Welsh Girls in a Pub....

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks..... I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?" One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!" So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry,.... Are you two whales from Scotland ?" That's all I remember.....

My trip to Safeway

There was a bit of confusion at Safeway this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the mamager........ I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!

BIG Questions for men

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL (well, maybe not ALL of us!) BEEN WAITING FOR! Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here' Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a "Goodyear"!!!! Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.. BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. and . . . Nominated as the world's best short joke: A 3-year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

Housework was a woman's job

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.' God is good

voodoo mama hot sauce

What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

This is my neighbor:

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door ... I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" It’s no fun being old!!!

he Mother of all Jokes..

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other. 'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me .. . . , ' says the other. 'And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers. 'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.' 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

Drunk Story

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... 'Grandpa,.......... Go home!

Letter of Apology from the Hospital

Dear Sir: The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We apologize for the amputation. Regards, Dick Less, MD, F.R.C.s.

A woman is at her 95 year old father's funeral...

A woman is at her 95 year old father's funeral and she is sitting next to her 95 year old mother. While the eulogy is being read, the daughter leans over to her mother and says "Mom, you were there when dad died weren't you?" The mother said "Yes." The daughter asked, "Mom, how did he die?" The mother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex." The daughter said "Mom! Don't you think that 95 years old is a little old to be having sex?! Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?!" The mother said "Well no, we found that the perfect time to do it was on Sunday because from our bedroom we could hear the church bells ringing. This was his perfect rhythm. He would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong. And he would still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't rolled by."

Riddle of the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

Cruel joke of the day

How does a blind parachuter know he's getting close to the ground? The leash on his guide dog goes slack.

Sneaky old broad...

A man gets out of hospital after having plastic surgery on his face. Happy with the work he goes to the nearest bar, orders a drink and asks the barman, "How old do you think I am?". The barman looks at him "42... 43?", the man then quickly replies " I'm 54! Ha!", finishes his drink and leaves. He then goes to the butchers to get something for dinner that night, orders his meat and asks "How old do you think I am?". The butcher looks him up and down and replies "I don't know, 43 or something?", pleased with the answer the man replies "I'm actually 54! Thanks for the compliment" and leaves with his meat. The man then goes to the bus-stop to get a bus home. An elderly woman is standing there too so he asks "How old do you think I am?". She looks at him and says " well when I was younger I learned a trick that with a tickle of a man's balls I could tell how old he was", the man bemused says "Really!? Uh... go on then..." so he proceeds to get his balls out, the old woman gives them a tickle and says to him "You are 54." Completely shocked the man says "You're right! that's incredible, how did you know that?" to which the old woman replies "I was behind you in the butchers".

Fire Safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks... One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

The correct way to hold on in a moving train!

No, No, the guy by the door!!!! ............ I worry about you sometimes

Advice to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker.

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Golf balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?

Using the Blow Dryer

Joe's wife caught him blow drying his dick this morning , and asked him what the hell he was doing. Apparently ... "Heating up your breakfast" wasn't the right answer!

Getting too old to shop

Had a little problem at the grocery store today. Apparently when the cashier said “strip down, facing me”: she was talking about my debit card. I wish I had worn underwear!

Pervert phone call

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

Beware of underwear dust!

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!

Colonoscopy

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection," I replied. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

The Potty

A THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET 'READING' A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Road Rage

So anyway, I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a fucking clue. I'm roaring, "You fucking bastard Learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country you smelly prick. You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said, "Get out of my taxi!"

What I Want in a Man

What I want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. BREATHING 2. DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS. SEND THIS TO THE WOMEN WHO WILL ENJOY READING IT, AND TO THE MEN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

sex with Martian's

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Opp's date gone very very wrong

Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you and you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted.

test

This is a Tough One! Morality Test....Read to the end before making a judgement. This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. *** THE SITUATION: *** You are in London .. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. *** THE TEST: *** Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris Somehow, the man looks familiar.... You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed b.......d who hates all non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!! You see that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can capture a dramatic prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men! *** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER *** Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Lost Wife

A man in his 60s approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me, but I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits, she appears out of nowhere.'

Sleep"n Naked

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' "'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids!" "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack! "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'." ________________________________

My dad is gay

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Vancouver Canucks but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Dildo

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out & thumps against their window. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry. That was just an insect." The young boy replied, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

BEST SIGN EVER

Brian

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.. He died. I'm married to his frickin' widow."

A man's wife is in a coma in the hospital

The man, exhausted, sleeps in the waiting room as the nurse gives his wife a towel bath. As the nurse does this, she notices a slight movement from the comatose woman as she runs the washcloth over the woman's private parts. The nurse gently wakes the man up, and as he rubs sleep from his eyes, she tells him, "I noticed something when bathing your wife, and it makes me think she might respond to oral sex." The man thinks a moment, then says, "OK, I'll give it a try." He goes into the room while the nurse watches the woman's vital signs from the monitor at the nurse's station. Suddenly, the heart monitor goes flat with a loud "BEEEEP". The nurse charges off and almost crashes into the man as he exits the door of the woman's room. "What happened!?" she shouted. "She choked."

BAD START TO A DATE

A pervert

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight cunt with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

kick in the balls

"Women always say that giving birth is way more painful then a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a women will often say "it would be nice to have another kid". You never hear a guy say ' I would like another kick in the nuts'. Case closed

There is a Muslim passenger in a taxi . He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio. He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio. So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?" The driver replied: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get your ass out of my car and wait for a camel.”

Tattoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh. The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!" The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh". The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay. The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing." The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?" The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 45, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 55, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 65 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

H-A-P-P-Y Hour in Bangkok

H-A-P-P-Y Hour in Bangkok Beats the shit out of pretzels or popcorn

Hard to argue this logic.

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it’d be nice to have another baby". You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts". Case closed.

A clue that maybe you're in a gay bar

DAMN RIGHT I'M GONNA SNIFF IT......... IT'S WHAT I DO!......

Buying A Bed

THE KNEELING HIGH JUMP

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position ? The record 0.757 meters, (or 2–½ feet), - remember this is from a KNEELING position was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.......

I've always enjoyed sports trivia...

National Geographic- Cougar sleeping in tree

Looks dangerous ........butt I'm gona try to bag one.

Dyson_Vac.wmv

After a visit to the whore house,

A man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors. "That's serious" says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?" "Yes" says the man seriously. "Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts."

Classes for women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

Classes for women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Tuesday January 2nd, 2012 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day... And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor! From the Guys in the Witness Protection Program __._,_.___

30 Bucks

A muslim dies and goes up to heaven. He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter who says, "Sorry, but we don’t allow muslims into Heaven." "What?" replies the Muslim, "And why not?" "Well, we just don’t." The Muslim rants and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up. "Well", says St-Peter, "Have you ever done anything good in your life?" "Ummm", the Muslim replies. "Yeah, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her ten dollars. Last week I donated ten dollars to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars also". "Alrighty then", says St-Peter, "Let me go and have a quick word with God." Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim. "Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me, here’s your 30 bucks back, now fuck off."

SIPPING VODKA

Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding. It's funny (don't break chain) A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remem ber how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!" "Hello, knees.", he continued.. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees." Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

This is how a bacon cheeseburger is made.....

Oh No!!! He has a sister????????????

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty." Mom fainted.

Is This Your Black Half Ton In My Parking Spot?

Funny Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock ! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra , Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Drinking in Billy Bob's

As I was standing in Billy Bob’s drinking my beer this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. I said to him, do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu? He says? “No, why the fluck you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee”? No I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick".

The new tattoo that women get in Europe, to protect themselves from Muslim men:

New Canadian Government Emblem

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Beaver to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

How to beat a DUI at 3 a.m.

Yep, that will do it.

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." The little old lady went home, picked up her dog and brought it back to the store. She was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." So........... Don't mess with old people.

Miss Kentucky Holding A Teddy Bear

Note: This is the new Miss Kentucky. The picture that will stay with her for the rest of her life: Make-up and hair style ................... $500 New dress for the show ..................$700 Giant stuffed bear ............................ $300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand .....Priceless!

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Monday

MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Bad Luck

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?' 'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.’

Another example of our troopers hard at work. God Bless 'em!

"TAKE YOUR TIME!"

Traffic Stop North Carolina N.C. State Trooper: " Registration please Maam. " Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. " Trooper: " Look again. " Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! " Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. " Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box three times. My registration just isn't in there !! " Trooper: " Ma'am.....Please Check again ! " Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! " Trooper: Look again . . . ..

Cowboy purchase

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR? Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

The sign of A JOB WELL DONE

How to stop wives from smoking.

The scientists must have gone to a lot of trouble to work this one out. How to stop wives from smoking.