GETTING OLD

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the
beach?'

**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers
and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a
cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions
she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
Remember the guy you're talking about.

**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
Florida
Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After
a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and she a
widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered
'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say
'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
remembering what she said, he called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
Meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Spruce Creek South , 'I just
bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, from a Dell Webb Community, went to the
doctor at the local Medical
Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking
Down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
Really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be
cheerful.', Morris replied.

To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
Heart murmur, be careful!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice
cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up
onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress
asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'