HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on
a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's
later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.

Pour it on. Make a v olcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat
step #3.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim,
pass. Why bother? It's like buyin g a sports car with
an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as man y as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice o f each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When
else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, c hocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"

Have a great holiday season!