Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Replied the parrot

This big ugly biker walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder,
orders a beer and a shot. The bartender sets him up and says,
"That's really cool, where did you get him?"

"Sturgis." Replied the parrot, "They're all over the place!"

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

To many Kids

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."

Friday, July 13, 2007

Biology Ezam

Students in Biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always at the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:

7. It comes in really awesome containers.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
Well, now, not so fast now," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady.
You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Drug Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in
the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man
looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the
dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent
and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name
is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show
you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out,
the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to
"search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the
aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a
woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw
on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy",
and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend
her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few
seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back
to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to shyte all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

what the hell would you say?

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Nellie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Nellie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Nellie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Nell, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Nellie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Nellie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Nellie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part....

'Only when he's been drinking.'