Monday, June 30, 2008
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.
jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the
red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature. The guy signs
the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to
the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for.
The Mountie says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an Asshole!'
Two months later they're in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad
driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer
to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney
asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued
Officer responds, 'Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an 'AH,' underlined.'
Lawyer: 'What does the AH stand for, officer?'
Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir.'
Lawyer: 'Aggressive and hostile?'
Officer: 'Yes Sir?
Lawyer: 'Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?'
Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'
Sunday, June 29, 2008
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
Saturday, June 28, 2008
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins -- a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. "I really like the name Denise."
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew"
Friday, June 27, 2008
So let's get at it !!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
his buddy hit their balls into the woods. Gary found his in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have
any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Gary recovered from the shock, he hollered
for his friend. "Larry,where are you?"
Larry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy
Gary shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Larry - FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and Son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were Amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two Shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back Together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen An
elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything Like
that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, A fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls And pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled Between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the Boy and his father watched the small
circular number above The w alls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and Then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the Walls opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old Blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly To his
'Boy..... ..go git cha Momma..............
Monday, June 23, 2008
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
Friday, June 20, 2008
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, 'SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?'
THE OLD FARMER SAID, 'THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.'
'I'M SORRY SIR,' SAID THE TICKET AGENT. 'WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.'
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
'MARGE,' WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WHAT?' SAID MARGE.
'I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.'
'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?' ASKED MARGE.
'HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT', WHISPERED MILDRED.
'WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT', SAID MARGE. 'HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL'
'I THOUGHT SO TOO', SAID MILDRED,
'BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!!'
Thursday, June 19, 2008
OPEC nations buy grain at $7 a bushel.
Solution: Sell our grain for $136 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough shit! Eat your oil!
It ought to go well with a nice thick grilled fillet of camel ass!
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
(ok this is good)
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow
and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all my patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Ole, how was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX,
sir,' says Ole.
You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table
and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes.'
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO!
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
Monday, June 16, 2008
One day, while going to the store,
I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual,
but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes,& they're having a yard sale.'
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from
the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no
Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter,
realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again,
senor!" and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no
"Are you certain?" Al asks again. "I just can't believe there are no
"SENOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, " All we have is
Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews."
She grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby Tim Hortons.
She held up the thermos so that the server behind the counter could view it and she asked, 'Is this thermos big enough to hold six cu ps of coffee?'
The server looked at the container and said, 'Yes. It looks like about six cups to me.'
'Oh good!', the blonde sighed in relief,
'Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf.'
he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little
partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The provincial government is sending each and every one of us a $100 rebate for the carbon tax.
If we spend that money at WalMart, the money will go to the U.S.
If we spend it on gas, it will go to the Arabs or Alberta.
If we purchase a computer, it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan or Korea or Europe.
If we purchase useless junk, it will go to China and none of it will help the B.C. economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and marijuana, since these are the only products still produced here in B.C.
Thank you for your help and support,
Premier of British Columbia
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Satan: 'Why so glum?' Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!' Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?' Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.' Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.' Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?' Guy: 'You better believe it!' Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, rememb er?' Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.' Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.' Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.' Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about Drugs?' Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?' Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.' Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?' Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Ooooh, you ain't gonna like Fridays
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise. Their first night there,
she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the
same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his
birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!'
Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there is a rip
in one of the bags,and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Damn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see
if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot
of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge cli pper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, '$20 or
off it comes!' '
"Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Ok, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on
the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed that
the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started
and have never finished. So, I looked around my house to see all the things
I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder
of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and
a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
The woman poked the man with her knitting needle, and the man screamed, "GOD!"
The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?"
Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!"
Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam
when she didn't want any more children?"
The knitter poked her husband again,
but this time he got up and screamed:
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!"
The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting juiced. Ole turns to Sven and asks, 'Ven do you spose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?'
Sven says, 'Dunno, but I'm drunk enuf to ast. Let's go!'
They arrive at the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.
Lena answers and says, 'Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!'
Ole barely gets in the door when he demands, 'Vee yoost come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us.'
Lena is shocked by this and immediately throws them out, slamming the door with a bang!
Ole is persistent. He knocks on the door again.
Lena isn't stupid. She knows it's them and says, 'Ole, if you're gonna be so rude and forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole.'
Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, 'OK, ven you girls gonna make out vit us?'
Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and farts in it.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, 'Vell... Ole, vut did she say?'
Ole says, 'Vell, I tink she said.... FFFFfffffrrriiddaayy but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again.'
Monday, June 09, 2008
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today?
'Just one' says the kid.
The boss says 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says $101,237.65'.
The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife', and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Frank and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Frank would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Frank, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Frank went to the fair, and Frank said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Frank that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Frank and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Frank and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Frank replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Friday, June 06, 2008
The first Newfie turns to the second and says,'You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we'll have no beer'. 'No way,' says the second. 'By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food. ''I promise I won't,' says the first Newfie. 'Just hurry!'
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells,'
I knew it!!!!! I'm not fucking going!!!!'
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist
then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'
Thursday, June 05, 2008
on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."
Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."
The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guy do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
SHIT! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fucking address.
What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate fucking Citizen.
P. S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
However, I have to get someone important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA !
thank you, David Pidcock
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is
this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing
to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how
well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,
"I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie speaks to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole
on the green.
The golfer, delighted, looked at the robot and thanked him for his a
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he
decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever
played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How
was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I
ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.
See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering, he looked at the man behind the counter and said, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies,
The gentleman from behind the counter looked back at the man and said,
"Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the
robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting
off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show
up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and
the other is running for President."
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE
that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store
and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Canadian Tire. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,
'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
Monday, June 02, 2008
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in
steel fence. It took several hours to extract her
from her predicament.
Fire Chief Frank said, 'This was a pretty tough
rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with
a plan to safely extract her from the fence.'
Although the girl's entrapment was never life
threatening it did take careful planning and gentle
handling to safely remove her.
She was taken to an area hospital where she was
examined and released.
Poor thing, when I first saw this picture it just
about broke my heart!
I just wanted to reach out and help her !