Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Redneck

The Redneck went to the hospital
As his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints,
5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, The babies are all black."

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

little boy and questions

A little boy asks his dad: whats between mum’s legs?

The father answers: paradise, my son

The kid asks again: whats between your legs?

The father replies: the key to paradise

The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Paddy and his girlfriend

Paddy rings the door bell of his new girlfriend,
and has a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers,
and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt,
rips her knickers off, and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

Saturday, December 04, 2010

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.


Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a
man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they
couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on
the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried
to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

Friday, December 03, 2010

God Bless Saskatchewan

A Saskatchewan man is drinking in a Fort MacMurray bar
When he gets a call on his cellphone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."

Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that

Typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 25 pounds at
Birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened?
He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his Pilsner beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,

Leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised".

God Bless Saskatchewan!!!

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Thursday, December 02, 2010

Stop Teen Pregnancy

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Lawyer and Ole

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da .....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question.. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her.. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?'