Wednesday, April 30, 2008


During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed...

"And all these years I've been chewing gum."

Robot Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Hillary Clinton's Driver

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the

owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling

happily, smeared with lipstick.

'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?

'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love

to me.'

'Good grief, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. 'The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.'

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Who's Nuts

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients
were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'

Monday, April 28, 2008


A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a towel at the beach in Florida.

She took her sun hat off of her face, only to notice that a man her age had walked up, placed his towel on the sand a few feet away, and began to read a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thanks," he responded, and returned to reading his book.

"I just love the beach, the salt air and the sunshine. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and turned back to his book.

"So, do you live around here, too?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over there in Sun Tree," he answered, then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah went on, "Do you like shuffleboard or cook-outs?"

"I hate shuffleboard but sometimes I enjoy a cook-out," he answered then returned to his book.

"Do you like to go to the movies?" she asked.

"I hate theaters. If I do see a movie, I rent it and watch it from the couch," he said, and kept on reading.

"Do you like pussycats?" she persisted.

In a flash, the man threw his book into the sand, jumped off his towel onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate encounter of her life!

A few moments later, as the cloud of sand began to settle and Sarah was able to breathe, she gasped and asked him, "How did you ever guess that was what I wanted?"

The man answered, "Well ... how did you know my name is Katz?"

If Only

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to
the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he
discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate
today, but this new procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great.
Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat
the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.
Again, the guy says, '99.

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on
your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check
your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm
going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say, 99

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.

WELL, It finally happened .....

A day with the Barnums

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak. but, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic..
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass..
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,

'You were born a Baptist,
and raised a Baptist,
but now you are a Catholic. '

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer,
you wuz raised a deer,
but now you a catfish.

Amen :-)

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Walking Eagle

Premier Gordon Campbell of B.C. was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C..........He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed 'YES' - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to Campbell.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now
respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe
Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack
Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the
twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections,
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later
married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted
to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced
a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone
says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Crock O. Schitt

Three nuns at a Detroit hockey game


'WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL There are NO Nuns there!


There once was a red Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

OH, come on.......take a guess!

Think about it........

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is.........

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Friday, April 25, 2008

When is “Fuck” Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history when the 'F' word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. 'What the Fuck do you mean, we are sinking?'
~ Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. 'What the Fuck was that?'
~Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

9. 'Where did all those Fucking Indians come from?'
~ Custer, 1877

8. ‘Any Fucking idiot could understand that.'
~ Einstein, 1938

7. 'It does so Fucking look like her!'
~Picasso, 1926

6. 'How the Fuck did you work that out?'
~Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. 'You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?'
~Michael Angelo, 1566

4. 'Where the Fuck are we?'
~Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. 'Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!'
~ Noah, 4314 BC

2. ‘Aw c'mon, Who the Fuck is going to find out?'
~Bill Clinton 1998

and a drum roll please...... ......!

1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad!'
~Saddam Hussei

Thursday, April 24, 2008


In 2009 the government will start killing
all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run little buddy, run.


I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Seeing Eye Dog Help -beyond the call of Duty

The Brokeback movie ruined things for Cowboys!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man,
on the woman's night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
he nervously asks.

"No, silly,"
she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"
he continues.
"No, not at all,"
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery."

Job Interview

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied,
"A thought.
It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way;
it's just there.
A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man.
"It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened.
A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer.
"The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and
on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture
the light at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers,
it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Newfie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain,"
said the Newfie,
"You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom.
But, before I could think, blink,or turn on the light,
I shit my pants."

He got the job.

supermarkets and their patrons

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Monday, April 21, 2008

Your recent order







Sunday, April 20, 2008

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately. She seductively signalled that he
should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his
face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she
said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is
there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she
continued, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper,
hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Saturday, April 19, 2008


Bob works hard at the local auto plant and spends two nights each week
bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself
too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob
'He's on my bowling team.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's a waitress at the golf club; must be working two
jobs. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob starts
to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance
big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob
follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She
is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word
in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this

Hot Dog

One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied
it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,
"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The Newfie said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The Newfie replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up
under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs
to be bred."

"No way," said the Newfie. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand;
your dog wants to have sex!"

(You gotta love this)

The Newfie looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead.
I always wanted a police dog."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Generations

The Silent generation, people born before 1945.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

- Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.

- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.

Why do we call the last one generation Y. I didn't know, but
a caricaturist explains it eloquently below.

Damn! Learned something new!

Medical News

Bet you didn't know this:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your butt and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Little Mary

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a

motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

It's Senator Obama.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Mary Pat says. "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign

manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these

nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

\"Yes sir," Mary Pat said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Mary Pat says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

religious T-shirt

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank GOD It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front'.


A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.'

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did it go?'

The man answered, 'Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!'

Monday, April 14, 2008

Married Life

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

nuclear power

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Monday, April 07, 2008

So many of everything

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was
From a different place:
Idaho, Nebraska, California and Mexico. Shortly after
The trip began, the woman
From Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and
Throwing them out of the
Window. 'What the heck are you doing?' demanded the
Nebraskan. 'We have
So many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
Looking at them!' A moment
Later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn
From her bag and tossing
Them from the window. 'What are yo u doing that for?'
Asked the gal from California.
'We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just
Sick of looking at them!'
Inspired, the gal from California opened the car door
And pushed the Mexican out.

Be very, very careful!!!

A friend of mine told me about this and he wanted to warn others of
his experience:

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month he became a victim of a clever scam while out
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.
You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while
the other one steals your wallet.
My friend had his wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the
17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 2nd, 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99.

Who Am I

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times......."

Sunday, April 06, 2008


Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, 'Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.'

Hans said, 'I hafen't got da finkers.'

'Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?' he asked. 'Lordy! It's 2008! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?'

Hans responded: 'How da fock vas I supposed to pick dem up?'

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Revenge well thought out

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.'
The Madam figured, why not?, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course the Madam said no.
He said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed for the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know; tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home.
On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catchit. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG. '

Friday, April 04, 2008

Traffic ?Question?

Most ?men will get this right!
Q:? ?You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO ?PASSING sign posted,?and ?you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:

??(a) ?Follow ?this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, ?or

??(b)Do you ?break the law and pass?

Which ?is the correct choice?

Scroll down...??

A:?Why ?take unnecessary?risks and ?get a ticket?

Plenty of everyting

A Texan, a Frenchman and a Canadian were out riding horses. The Texan
pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took
a shot, then another, and suddenly threw the bottle in the air, pulled
out his gun, and shot the bottle in mid air.

The Canadian looked at him and asked, 'What are you doing?! That was a
perfectly good bottle of whiskey!'The Texan said, 'In Texas, there's
plenty of whiskey, and bottles are cheap.'

A while later, the Frenchman, not wanting to be out done, pulled out a
bottle of expensive wine, took a few sips, threw the
bottle in the air, pulled out his gun and shot it. The Canadian couldn't
believe this and asked, 'What did you do that for? That was an expensive
bottle of wine!' The Frenchman said 'In France, there's plenty of wine
and bottles are cheap.'

A while later the Canadian pulled out a bottle of Molson Canadian. He
opened it, took a sip, then another, and then chugged the rest. He then
put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned around,
and shot the Frenchman.

The Texan, shocked, asked 'Why did you do that?' The Canadian answered,
Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Frenchmen, but beer bottles are
worth a dime.'


10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night

That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

Dog Philosophy

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.

Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came

to have an oil shortage here in our country.


Well, there's a very simple answer.


Nobody bothered to check the oil.


We just didn't know we were getting low.


The reason for that is purely geographical.


Our OIL is located in







are located in


Any Questions???


Didn't think So.

Thursday, April 03, 2008


A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position was set last week at a beach in southern France.

This picture was taken just two seconds before the jump took place.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

mommy and Uncle Paul

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Wlderly Women Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Elderly Floridian

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."