Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Best Smart Ass Answers Of 2008!!!


It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight
attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police
car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her
head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.'


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she
sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I
really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Journey Of Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dear Abby,

I am a 13 year old girl from Saskatchewan and I am still a virgin.

Do you think my brothers are gay?

Blonds arn't dumb

This blonde Lady decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she if OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this....
Betcha will . . . . .
Scroll Down



Tuesday, August 25, 2009

“In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand,
and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first

The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!”

The president of Budweiser asked for “The King of Beers, make it a Bud!”.

Adolph Coors requested a “From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don’t mind.”

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.

Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.

“And you sir?” he queried.

“I’ll have a Coke!” was Guinness’s reply.

“A Coke??!?” The waiter was shocked.

“Wouldn’t you rather have a Guinness, sir?”

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. “Well,”
he said, “If they’re not drinking beer, then neither will I!”
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him..

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up they invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned... "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

Sunday, August 23, 2009


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO> for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March........"

The Texas Baby Boy!

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. One woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"...had him circumcised."

Bad Medical Assessment

Two medical students were walking along the
street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like

The other student says: "No, I don't
think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs
are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to
ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical
Students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have
Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But
you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what
do you have?"

The old man
said, "I thought it was GAS......................but I was wrong, too!"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Texas Rancher

A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio..

The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your
employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher.=
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy , if you explain the kids."

Sunday, August 16, 2009

A teacher in a Detroit , Michigan elementary school
asked her students if they could tell the class what noise a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said:
"Up against the wall mother f#cker!"

I guess there aren’t too many farms in Detroit .......................


Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

Bible and a Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
And his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Lion Taer needed

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show
up One is a older retired golfer in his late sixties and the
other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them,
"I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last
tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your
equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to
lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my
life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

New Sex Study

It has been determined, the most used
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He�rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that shit.

Green Side Up!

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor
in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the
colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a
neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the
next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not
stark, but very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is
even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then
once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell
you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green
side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blonde gals laying sod across the street."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Nudist Colony Rules

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his
clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde
walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you
get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the
side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and
happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered
out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him
over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500
membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a
chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart
15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in The f*ckin' boat"

From Canadian Riders Forum

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'We haven't used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa, ON

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'Story from Collingwood, ON

HERE'S YOU SIGN IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Winnipeg, Manitoba

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'Happened in Toronto, Ontario

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She is a government employee in Montreal, P.Q.

HERE'S YOUR SIGN : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it?s open!'His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph, Ontario STAY ALERT!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well,
and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Saturday, August 08, 2009

John Hinckley

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley From:
Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.....S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

and oldie but worth repeating

A cowboy walks into a cafe and notices an old cowboy with his arms
folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes
of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks
the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head towards the young wrangler and
in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to
his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to
the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very
shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'


Do you know what happened 159 years ago... back in 1850?

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class inToronto, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."
"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless Canada
AUSTRALIAN View Of Torturing Terrorists:

One thing about blokes from Australia is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Mr. T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'
A Newfie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Newfie
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Newfie started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'


Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Stephen Harper, was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,
I am the Prime Minister of Canada
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead
Her reply was,

'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees,

Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!'