Monday, March 29, 2010

To: All my friends and family;

I'm letting you know before you hear it from anyone in the family or through the rumor mill, that I have been contacted by a woman who alleges that I am the father of her child.

I don't yet know whether she wishes to substantiate this by means of a DNA test; however, she has sent a photograph of the child, which bears a very strong and undeniable resemblance to me.

Based on this photographic evidence, I have decided to begin paying child support immediately.

Medical Student's

Two medical students were walking between classes when they saw an old man on the sidewalk ahead of them walking strangely. He was walking slowly and stiff-legged and his legs were spread further apart than normal.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Would you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS but I was wrong, too!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blond's living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

DISNEYLAND

Two blond's were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

Friday, March 26, 2010

new positions for old people

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Gladys!'he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in ...You look like an asshole.'

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Harley Joke

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there, do you want to go
for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girl as she hurries
down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "I'm feeling generous today! I'll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams
out. . .

"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley!
So ride it by yourself!"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

QUIZZ

I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently its Africa .

Monday, March 22, 2010

General Norman Schwarzkopf

In a recent interview,
General Norman Schwarzkopf
was asked if he thought
there was room for forgiveness
toward the people who have harbored
and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated
the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said:

“I believe that forgiving them is God's function.

OUR job is to arrange the meeting”

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired
guys are walking down a street in
Yuma, Arizona ...
They turned a corner and see a sign
that says, 'Old Timers
Bar - all drinks 10
cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is
too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that
carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for
you! What'll it be,
Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men
ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four
iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10
cents each, please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a
moment. Then look at each other.They can't believe
their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,
and order another round. Again, four excellent
martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,
'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two
martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve
martinis as good as these for a dime a
piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ,' the bartender said, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for
$125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a
dime......wine, liquor, beer, it's all the
same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the
men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't
help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who
didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything
the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at
the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
'What's with
them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired sorts from
Canada. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half
price.'

A Priest, Please!

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his Last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down,
leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:


B-4 . . . I-19 . . . N-38 . . . G-54 . . . O-72

Friday, March 19, 2010

SEXUAL HARRASSMENT???????

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mrs. Mallory

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .
You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

What are you going to do?

Russian Beer Com.

Did you know:

1. That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

2. That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

3. And Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's on Boxing Day and spots a very exquiste diamond bracelet. As she bends over to take a closer look at this gorgeous piece of jewelry she unexpectedly passes gas.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "oops" and prays that no salesperson was anywhere near her. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing directly behind her. He was extremely good looking, cool as a cucumber displaying all the qualties one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, "Good Morning Madam, How may we help you today?"

Blushing & uncomfortable but still hoping the salesman somehow missed her 'little incident' she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely exquisite bracelet?"

Still unflapable, the salesman responds, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!!"

How Dinosaurs became extinct.

The very first "senior moment"


male and female whale

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!
Let's swim closer!

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge."

And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

Monday, March 15, 2010

" China's Little Johnny"

A guy is walking down the street and sees Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.

The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"
Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?" Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."
"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?"
Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Origin of the White Wedding Dress






Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Sex Study...

It has been determined the most used
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Irish 4

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper
on this side either!"

Irish 3

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim., but where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be
telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your
husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at
Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell
me truth, Tim.. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he
got out three times to pee."

Irish 2

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut
and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean.
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was,
but useless in a fight."

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Old Farmer and Chuck

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED. "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

Sports Trivia

The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling
The sport of choice for front-line workers is football
The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball
The sport of choice for middle management is tennis and....
The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf
Of all these facts we are sure.

The Inescapable and Astounding Conclusion:
The higher you go up the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls become

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said... 'Then, why do you even give a Shit'

The New CEO

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?' The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice,
'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

Truckers

A trucker who had been out on the road for three straight weeks
stopped at a brothel outside Vegas. **

He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500...00 and said, "I
want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you know that for
that kind of money you could have two of my finest ladies, plus a
three-course meal??"**

The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny .... I'm homesick!"**

Doctor Doctor

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"

I put drops in her eyes!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Price of passing gas

A lady walks into Tiffany's on Boxing Day and spots a very exquiste diamond bracelet. As she bends over to take a closer look at this gorgeous piece of jewelry she unexpectedly passes gas.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little "oops" and prays that no salesperson was anywhere near her. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing directly behind her. He was extremely good looking, cool as a cucumber displaying all the qualties one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, "Good Morning Madam, How may we help you today?"

Blushing & uncomfortable but still hoping the salesman somehow missed her 'little incident' she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely exquisite bracelet?"

Still unflapable, the salesman responds, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!!"

No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room.
She said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used
his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in
your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and bellowed at him, "Open your hands NOW."
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did,
you scared the shit out of him!"

Great country or what!!

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.
At first the lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.
So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first check Friday.
Darn this is a great country.

Tiger Woods was real lucky that he did not live in the country.

Tiger Woods was real lucky that he did not live in the country.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vise, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

Finding Jesus

Baptizing a Newfoundlander A Newfie is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.? He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Sears Catalog

Two Newfies look at a Sears catalog and admire the models.
One says to the other: 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in>this catalog? The second replies.
' Yes, they are damn beautiful! And loo kat the price!'
The first says, with wide eyes,' Wow, they are not very expensive. At this price, I am buying one.'
The second smiles and claps him on the back, ' Good idea,order one and if She is as beautiful as in the catalog,
I will get one too.' 3 weeks later, the Newfie asks his chum 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog ?
' The second replies, ' No ! But it shouldn't be long now....
I got her Clothes yesterday!

Health Plans

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

FIVE SHORT STORIES BY MEN

ONE

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

THREE

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

FOUR

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start

Poem's

THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

THE MAN POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Power of Believing in One's Friends

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached
the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would
win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used
up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it
because .. Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.

She called her friend and gave her the q uestion and the four
choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend
was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the
contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied,

'That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.

'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted..... ......... ......... ....

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Proud to be a Canadian

A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.
"The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"
A pause, and a smile.
Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

Thursday, March 04, 2010

'Cleanup on aisle 25'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband..

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

A dam good idea

Airport/bus/ferry security

From an engineer (ex-NASA project director) on Airport Security:

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device
you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this
crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long
and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

Old Sailors



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'.

Two Nuns In Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling Through Europe in their car.. They get to Transylvania and are
stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny
little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through
the windshield.

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
clings on and continues hissing at the nuns..

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water
at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams
as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the fuck off the car'

No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no

shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,

one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation..

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you
don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time
you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and

quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest

and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious
voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya just love military time

6 Truths of Life:

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior
because they can do it.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot too and I needed company.

NEWFIE TREES

A NEWFIE NAMED ERIC IS DRIVING HOME
AFTER DOWNING A FEW AT THE LOCAL PUB.
HE TURNS THE CORNER AND SEES A TREE IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.HE SWERVES TO AVOID IT.
HE REALIZES THERE'S ANOTHER DIRECTLY INHIS PATH!

HE DISCOVERS HIS DRIVE HOME IS CAUSING
HIM TO VEER FROM SIDE TO SIDE TO AVOID ALL
THE TREES.

MOMENTS LATER HE HEARS A POLICE SIREN
AND STOPS HIS CAR.
THE OFFICER APPROACHES HIS CAR AND ASKS HIM WHAT ON EARTH IS HE DOING.
ERIC STARTS TO TELL THE STORY OF THE TREES ON THE ROAD. THE OFFICER STOPS HIM IN MID SENTENCE AND SAYS...

FER CHRISE SAKES,ERIC, THAT'S YER
AIR FRESHENER !

Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the Prairies ~ your perception is a little different.




A farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Olympic Games



In honour of the Olympic Games
Let the Games begin!

Husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have arrived...
I think I'll wear Gold tonight.

Wife says: "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

Illegal immigrant and the hooker

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.

In broken English he says "Do you do Immigrant Style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style."
"No", she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

"I pay you $300."
"No", she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No", she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had
every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in
every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?"

The illegal immigrant replies "You send bill to Government."


AND THAT FOLKS....
IS HOW ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
ARE SCREWING US !!!!