Sunday, May 27, 2012
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you and you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted.
This is a Tough One! Morality Test....Read to the end before making a judgement. This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. *** THE SITUATION: *** You are in London .. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. *** THE TEST: *** Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris Somehow, the man looks familiar.... You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed b.......d who hates all non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!! You see that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can capture a dramatic prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men! *** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER *** Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
A man in his 60s approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me, but I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits, she appears out of nowhere.'
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' "'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids!" "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack! "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'." ________________________________
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Vancouver Canucks but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out & thumps against their window. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry. That was just an insect." The young boy replied, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"