Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Howmnotmto hang a deer

It's all about attitude and objectivity!

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Lil' Johnny: "I Want to be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson: And you, Tanya? "Ma'am, I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic...

An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? That woman is 84 years old, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

The Fence

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

Monday, November 05, 2012

Three surgeons

Three surgeons are talking about their favorite patients to operate on. The first starts: "I prefer mathematicians. When you open them up, everything is numbered for easy reference". The second continues: "I prefer electricians: everything is colour-coded". The last doctor says: "You guys have it all wrong, the best patients are lawyers: they're spineless, heartless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable"

*An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.*

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Sunday, November 04, 2012

McDonald's Fires Back


I just took a leaflet out of my mail box, informing me that I can have sex at 79! I'm so happy, because I live at number 89. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road! Life is good !!!!

Saturday, November 03, 2012

not sure

Advice for an old guy...

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.... sexy-gym-chick I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked me over and said, "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Friday, November 02, 2012

Ex-wife the pilot

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me this weekend! The NTSB issued a preliminary Report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) Conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was extremely lucky!!!
I don't care who you are, this is funny!!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!


A not politically/racially correct joke.....excuse me.... A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of a house and the man who answers it asks, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you suppose to be?" "We're Jack & Jill", she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just too darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black." Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there standing before him are the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED!! "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks. "Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

Has to make you wonder....

- If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"  --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .

 "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President

 "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." -- Dan Quayle

 "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

 "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

 "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

 "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

Any golfers here?

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'

How to change a number 1 to a number 2.


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?' The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Monday, October 29, 2012

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.' One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. Sincerely, this....

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive. She then asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto.' The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. The next night as she walked past Franks room she saw the same thing. , Again she asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto, it's a two day trip you know!' The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds. Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in. She saw Bill pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Bill, what are you doing?' Bill replied, 'I'm dancing with Franks wife, he's gone to Toronto for a couple of days...'.

Saturday, October 27, 2012


Your first Halloween message.

Happy Halloween
Halloween is coming!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him






He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping




on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

  At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Chicago, they  have  weekly  husbands'
          marriage  seminars.

          At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
          approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
          some insight into how he  had managed to stay married to the same   woman   all
          these years.

          Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treata
          her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all dis, I tooka her to
          Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

          The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
          husbands here!    Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
          for your 50th anniversary?'

          Giuseppe proudly replied,  "I gonna go picka her up."

Friday, October 26, 2012

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00
 A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said.  "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.

5 of 116 Why this ad? Official PowerFrame® Site - - For True Strength, Always Suggest a Car Battery with a PowerFrame® Logo Print all In new window : New Candidate. Inbox x Fred Roth Oct 20 (4 days ago) to undisclosed recipients .....hopefully he will run for Office. He appears, to have what most current politicians lack.


GOOD ONE !!!!!! ... (For All Of Us Over Fifty)
Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Canadian Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the  ground
several yards ahead of him.

  He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

  He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

  She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge  and a dull grey dress.

  There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked  behind  one
ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I  work....You have  
three wishes.'

  'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust  a
Revenue Canada genie.'

  'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks  like
you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and  drink.'


  The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

  'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

  'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

  ** *POOF***

  The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare 
gold coins and precious gems.

  'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

  After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no  
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'


  He was turned into a tampon.

  Moral of the story:

If the Canadian government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Moral of This Story is....BRILLIANT!!!!

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,


'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,


'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....


A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'


A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)


'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'


The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...


The bear grabs the fish...



The hunter shoots the bear..



The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...


The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,


Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

running shoes

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I Rest My Case

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Case closed.

You had a bad day?... I don't think so.

Drafting Guys Over 60

I am all for it, imagine, live targets. Drafting Guys Over 60 This is funny & obviously written by a vet New direction for any war: Send service vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unituntil you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing somefanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends. It's in big type so they can read it.

Three mice go drinking

Three mice are sitting in a bar having drinks. They all order a shot of whiskey together and are thinking of something to drink to.
The first mouse says, "I'm so fucking hard core the first thing I do when I go home every night is find a pill of rat poison, grind it up, and use it to season all my food" while showing off all of his chest hair. He slams his shot
The second mouse says, as he flexes to show off "that's pretty hard core, but the first thing I do when I get home every night is find a mouse trap, step on it to set it off and catch the bar as it comes down. I do a few reps of ten before I eat the cheese" . He slams his shot
The third mouse rolls his eyes, takes his shot and says "Man I don't have time for this shit. I have to go fuck my cat"

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Windows frozen

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"Computer completely fucked now."


New from Dearborn , Michigan .... just in time for Christmas!

The latest  toy has hit the shops... a talking Muslim  doll.

Nobody knows what  the heck it says,
because no one has had the guts to pull the cord!!



Pfizer Corp

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon  be available in  liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a  power beverage  suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible  for a man to  literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can  no longer call this  a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names  of 'cocktails',  'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff  drink'.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:  MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent  on breast implants  and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This  means that by 2040,  there should be a large elderly population with  perky boobs and huge  erections and absolutely no recollection of what to  do with them.


   On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.   The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher
a basket of assorted fruit.

     The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

     The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

     Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

     "Is it wine?" she guessed.
   "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
asked, "Champagne?"

   "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"


Monday, September 17, 2012

A sad looking man walks into a bar

A sad looking man walks into a barAnd orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.
The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"
The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"
This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.
After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"
The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.

Zany Headlines...