Thursday, April 30, 2009

Monday, April 27, 2009

While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied: 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...

Traffic Ticket $95.00,
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face.......PRICELESS

3 Wishes

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Vancouver immigration office. 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Canada with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in North Vancouver on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here...'

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Canadians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Canucks T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, now that you are a White Canadian you have to fend for yourself.'

And she disappeared!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

This is tooooooooo weird!

Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add a few more letters, it actually spells out: “Fuck off and go home all you benefit-stealing, kid-producing, no-English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, mutton-eating, smelly raghead bastards with you.”

How weird is that ??

Thursday, April 23, 2009

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5.. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide

in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion
and the winner of the most important golf tournament,
the US Open,

Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Fuck work..
Play golf.

Class Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


The Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

First pupil: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Pupil: 'It is used for headaches.'

Second pupil: ''Nytol'
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
Pupil: 'To help you sleep.'

Now it's Johnny's turn and he says: 'Viagra'
Teacher, slightly shocked: 'Johnny, What do you think is it used for?'
Johnny: 'It can be used for diarrhea.'
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'
Johnny: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ..
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'

Monday, April 20, 2009


A very loud, unattractive, hateful-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just plain stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart."

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, 'Lord tundering...up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fro drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow the bottles under the seat.'
'What fer?'
'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a lable on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'
'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels....

'We're on the patch.'

Thursday, April 16, 2009

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a
bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his
order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift
he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for
$200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders
Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she
pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.
So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia .
' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' ' Cameo
Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering; 'What
number?' 'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished.

'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22!
My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'


Gynecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Halifax, Nova Scotia,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more
details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting
the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then
apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing
so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have
go to Moncton, New Brunswick. That's about 400 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No, sir - that's where the end of the line is right now."

Hope this made you smile! have a nice day!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village, they went to see the local Veterinarian.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man, and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'
5,000 men were asked to
complete a survey on what they
liked best about " Oral Sex ":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b... 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health
insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that
ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!


I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a
gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up
Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not
want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and
get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us
running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,
then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture
- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin'

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served
in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances
up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years
and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor


Monday, April 13, 2009


This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.

I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Thank you all

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

IRS decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Older Gent

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet name's. The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mindabout 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

Friday, April 10, 2009

A Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the
man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby
for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear
to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my
several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in
Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off
three inches.
Just send the bottle back.'

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End.

How Bad Is The Economy????

It is definitely getting very bad

(Cat's are so dramatic)
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Senior Citizens Bus Trip

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!'

Speeding Ticket

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who
talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling
the young officer that she had to get there before
she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and
chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually
hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to
be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is
usually in January and the second time is in August.*

Saturday, April 04, 2009


A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Don't Touch the Flour

A little East Indian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

'Look, mom, I'm a white boy!' His mom slaps him in the face and says 'Go show your father'.

He goes to his dad in the living room and says 'Look dad, I'm a white boy.'
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says 'Go show your grandmother.'

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says 'Look granny, I'm a white boy'.
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says 'Now, did you learn anything from that?'
To which the little boy replies 'I Sure did................

I've only been white for five fuckin minutes and I already hate you fucking Pakies!'


Two Newfie's were out drinkin' and talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Newfie 'What is it?'

'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear: 'By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'
I am exhausted from trying to find one of these...They are new on the market, so everybody and her/his brother is buying them up as fast as they hit the shelves. CVS said they have been flooded with calls asking for them. Please... if you see one, (picture below) give me a call ...thanks

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

The Worst Day of my Life

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour
when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,
gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing
stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying'.

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.
'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,I found my
car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the
cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit
me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end
to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

days of the week in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay — you’re already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you
name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…?
Devil: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you’ll never die — you’re already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin’ place!
Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.

Let's pretend we are Married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Can You Spot your Boss ?

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.