Saturday, December 30, 2006
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
Later the burly American gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar.
He walks up behind him and whacks him over the head, knocking him out.
The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a fuckin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire."
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their Dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell Happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're Going to feel all day.
~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all Get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the History of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the Wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does Not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack. To me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Nam, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Thursday, December 21, 2006
across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Redneck asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let
liquor touch these lips."
The Redneck then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
"Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
IN A DARK AND GLOOMY ROOM, GAZING AT THE TAROT CARDS LAID OUT BEFORE HER, THE PSYCHIC DELIVERED THE BAD NEWS;
"THERE IS NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS SO I"LL BE BLUNT, PREPARE YOURSELF TO BE A WIDOW. YOUR HUSBAND WILL DIE A VIOLENT AND HORRIBLE DEATH THIS YEAR."
VISIBLY SHAKEN, THE WOMAN STARED AT THE PSYCHIC'S LINED FACE, THEN AT THE SINGLE FLICKERING CANDLE, AND THEN LOOKED DOWN AT HER HANDS.
SHE TOOK A FEW DEEP BREATHS TO COMPOSE HERSELF AND DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND ASK THE QUESTION SHE SIMPLY HAD TO KNOW.
SHE MET THE PSYCHIC'S GAZE, STEADIED HER VOICE, AND ASKED, "WILL I GET AWAY WITH IT?"
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted."
Saturday, December 16, 2006
After much discussion, They passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the assembled crowd.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is a gift from God, too, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the Congregation said, "Amen."
Thursday, December 14, 2006
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or butter-and-cream. If it's skim milk, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. And lots of it… Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa Claus, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin and Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but don't turn up your nose and attempt to avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Try some with a BIG dollop of Cool Whip!
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: start over. But hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and yelling "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
..Thus began the tradition of the little Angel a'top the Christmas tree.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .
You'll love this .
Yep... I know you will . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad.
The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.
With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer,
My girl and I crashed on the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.
I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan
Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man).
He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks,
And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks.
I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class.
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass.
Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash,
And out of the stove he came dragging his stash.
With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her fanny and shook my right hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.
From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder,
As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder.
With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night,
Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!"
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
Saturday, December 09, 2006
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and he is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard , helps him to the side, and then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, so he walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I love the way this old guy handled it:
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!" "Why not?
you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited a few minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes???"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir???"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
MESS WITH SENIORS AND YOU'RE GONNA LOSE
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.
The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling bacon and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Regina so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is up with you two???" The guys from Saskatchewan look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, eh?. If hell freezes over, it must mean the Roughriders have won the Grey Cup."
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
Dave . .
You're a Veterinarian .
Friday, December 01, 2006
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a
flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat.
Penelope immediately had a stroke.
Gladys also had a stroke.
But Maude, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far ....
Thursday, November 30, 2006
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
5.People Make me Sick
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8.Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pouty Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
13.Pardon My Screaming
14. Psycho Hose Beast
15.Pardon my snippiness
16.Pleasantness Mighty Scarce
....and my favorite one..
17.Potential Murder Suspect
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer"should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Monday, November 27, 2006
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5.. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all....
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there
Sunday, November 26, 2006
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage over dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive to 'Come-By-Chance ' until they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'
As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous fer me."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young
lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked,
"I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around,
and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other
$125, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and
explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such
grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which
property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time
for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it
extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating
the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The
rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment
be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had
presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the
way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client
agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such
property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the
transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he
placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed
personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was
adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask
that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the
defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not
known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also,
upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out
the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the
equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was
prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others.
We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have
the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the
plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
Monday, November 20, 2006
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.
You did notice the size of the print?
Sunday, November 19, 2006
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!" The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands
as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?""Yep, shore am," she replied brightly."And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" Grape", she said.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Element name: WOMAN.
Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element name: MAN.
Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Friday, November 10, 2006
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher Said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother Smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began Removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying Attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to Their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a Bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it Really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you Took his picture?"
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He Watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands Up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie
Asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm Buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good Shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS Guy wants to buy Mom."
another man hugging a tree, with his ear firmly against the tree
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck
happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind
and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings. The irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early? Doing what?"
Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate
without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often
to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without
having to picture them naked
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger,
we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway
Saturday, November 04, 2006
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much?! I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
DO NOT TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday
were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well,
but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started
leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her
left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase
around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and
said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a
note to the grandson...
"They won't let me fart."
Sunday, October 29, 2006
sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this
cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad
I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my
hands are so crippled," volunteered another.
An elderly lady across the room shouted, "What? Speak up!
What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said
a fifth person, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"Sometimes I forget where I am and other times I
forget where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one old woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive!"
Thursday, October 26, 2006
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.
He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"
"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
And the preacher said...........
" Hello, Darlin!! "
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver , says,"My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto , says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Newfoundlander got the job.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.
”What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.
"Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even
take an aspirin.
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me
know how things went"
It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to the progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh J aysus M ary and J oseph, doctor,
twas horrid. Just terrible!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard
de effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with
a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce!
With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and then, lard tunderin jaysus, didn't
he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me
on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"
"No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed , 'twas the best
sex I had in 25 years. But, oh me son, I'll never be able to show me
face in Tim Horton's ever again!"
Saturday, October 21, 2006
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?
"The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are These for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO For Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh! and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for Married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got
3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.
Once you choose it is your final answer".
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was John Howard and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can definitely handle this".
"The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"
The Deputy: said, "Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please."
Lawyer: "What for?"
Deputy: "You failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer: "For your information, I slowed down, looked and no one was coming."
Deputy: "You still failed to stop completely. Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please."
Lawyer: (with a smirk) "What's the difference, cowboy?"
Deputy: "The difference is you must stop completely. It is Texas law. Your driver's license and proof of insurance, please!"
Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license, proof of insurance AND registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."
Deputy: "Fair enough. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At that point, the deputy removed his night stick from its holster, and began beating the crap out of the surly lawyer.
Deputy: "Do you want me to stop...or slow down?"
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing's, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
P. S: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home......
money in a shoe box, and was a real miser. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to swear on a stack of bibles that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, of course, he ups and dies.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and a close friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Please wait just a minute!"
She approached the casket with a shoe box she had brought with her and put it in the casket. The undertaker closed and locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with you husband, were you?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
bank account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can have it."
Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell ... but go ahead ... I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya ... See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating...sleeping...bitching or crying for no apparent reason ... and oh ... does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right where the sun doesn't shine!
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead!!!
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
Monday, October 16, 2006
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus," he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you"
The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'yafigger you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! The arthritis is gone,"
he says. The arthritis I've had for years is gone.
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.
Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove,"
he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face.
"Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers' Compensation."
Friday, October 13, 2006
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance
--particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,
which operated flawlessly under
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please
enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html"
and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the
Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0
should then automatically run the applications Jewelry
2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the
above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it
runs a virus in the background that will eventually
seize control of all your system resources). Also, do
not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it
does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment. They would all go out into the woods,
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages on his body and
limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the
woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began
to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled
him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him
first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction
with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He
was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been
the best way to start."
Monday, October 09, 2006
bowling and plays golf every Saturday.*
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club.*
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."*
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his
usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"*
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I
always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms
around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?"*
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every 4 letter word in the book.*
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a
real bi&%h this time."*
Sunday, October 08, 2006
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.....
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk..............
sh*t on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.
"Smart-ass Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.
Smart-ass Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart-ass Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
"Smart-ass #5 [the best for last!] THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Monday, October 02, 2006
AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW
ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"..... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY
STITCHER" AND IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM
DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.
SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS
LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....
WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE
OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......THE
CLERK EXPLAINED, "PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE
"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND
RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't
have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in
my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the
TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to
open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello,
son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom
bangin' her boyfriend."
Grandma's minister fainted.
Friday, September 29, 2006
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who
put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For
weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then
one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday
night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now
take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"
Thursday, September 28, 2006
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Ukrainian
perogies with fried onions wafting up
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where
if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,
for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of
his favourite perogies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was
already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached for a perogie at the edge of the table,
when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Fuck off." she said. "They're for the funeral.
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Daddy doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when a Canadian Sailor got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Sailor went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Sailor and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Sailor calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting 's Sailors, Soldiers, Airman and Women, who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an jerk. So, He sent me."
I bet you wish you could have been that Sailor or someone who supports them!!!!