Monday, September 28, 2015

road rage

The Harley & The Vaseline..

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a
'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one,
although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the
seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he
hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra,
invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says
anything during dinner has to do the
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room
is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of
dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure
enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to
take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her
breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her
clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of
her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her
dad is obviously livid and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but
no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a
great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the
table, pulls down her panties, and
screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is
boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to
ear. But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of
thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls
the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!


It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
   We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface 
was a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
USE BIRTH CONTROL.                                   
Money isn't everything,   but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed,   
skydiving is not for you.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.   
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you   .

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge   
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:  
At least we're not Mississippi.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.
"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow     and then he's rotten."
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors .."
The reason Politicians try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have
to make a living under the laws they passed.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015


Purple Clover's photo.

The Importance of Walking

   Walking can add minutes to your life.
   This enables you at 85 years old
   To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
   Home at $4000 per month.
    My grandpa started walking
    Five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he's 97 years old
    And we don't know where he is.

    I like long walks,
    Especially when they are taken
    By people who annoy me.

    The only reason I would take up walking
    Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again

    I have to walk early in the morning,
    Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

    I joined a health club last year,
    Spent about 400 bucks.
    Haven't lost a pound.
    Apparently you have to go there.

    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    The advantage of exercising every day
    Is so when you die, they'll say,
    'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

   If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
   Start with a small country.

    I know I got a lot of exercise
    The last few years,......
    Just getting over the hill.

    We all get heavier as we get older,
    Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    Every time I start thinking too much
    about how I look,
    I just find a Happy Hour
    And by the time I leave,
    I look just fine.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Li'l Willy from Lanark

 A Lanark school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the
 expression "I presume".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand
 washed the dinner dishes
 And I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

 "Very good" said the teacher.

 Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of
> > the garage,
 I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

 "That's excellent" says the teacher.

 Little Willy at the back of the classroom gets up and says:
 "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house
 With a newspaper under his arm and headed for the woods, I presume that...

 The teacher interrupts him and says, "I stopped you because you have
 no idea what your grandfather
 Was going to do,so you can't presume anything."

 Willyy says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

 The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

 "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the woods with a
 newspaper under his arm.
 I presume he was going for a shit because he can't read."

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Blonde in Starbucks....              

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...


'W I N A B A G E L'

Two Old Veterans Talking Over Old Times

John asked Dayton, "Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the war, to make us forget about women?"

Dayton replied, "I think you mean 'salt peter.'"

John:  "Yep, that's the stuff.  I think it's beginning  work!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

:Poorly Understood lawysicss

1   .   Law of Mechanical Repair       -   After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.   

   Law of Gravity     Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.   

   Law of Probability     The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.   

   Law of Random Numbers     If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.   

   Variation Law     If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.   

   Law of the Bath    -   When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.   

   Law of Close Encounters   -   The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.   

   Law of the Result     When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!   

   Law of Biomechanics         The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.   

10   .   Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.   

   The Coffee Law     As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.   

   Murphy's Law of Lockers     If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.   

   Law of Physical Surfaces   -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.   

   Law of Logical Argument   -   Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.   

       Law of Physical Appearance     If the clothes fit, they're ugly.   

   Law of Public Speaking   --   A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!   

   Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy   -  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!   

   Doctors' Law     If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Mother's Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'. 
'OK', the little girl says, 
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?

'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because on your driving licence it says you got an "F" for Sex'

Sex & Calories

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

  Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?

Thursday, September 10, 2015


Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf......when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!”
Then POOF! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Bill, where are you?”
Bill yells back, “I’m over here in the pussywillows.”

An ugly man walks into a bar

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

Bedtime Story

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here? The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that`s how I`d like to go.