Friday, September 28, 2007

MY NEXT LIFE By George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready ;for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Friday, September 21, 2007

a lesson in Managment

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, ut she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

attractive bartender

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to the exceptionally attractive bartender serving drinks to a
meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can
I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young
lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

They grow em big in Arkansas

An Arkansas University fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Arkansas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Arkansas fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Arkansas baby boy. He's gonna be a University of Arkansas football player.

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW! One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Arkansas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. He asked," What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born! "

The Arkansas father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says," Had him circumcised." GO Hogs!!!!

Friday, September 07, 2007

Home projects through time

You are in the middle of a project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room...whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to

Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.

You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes.

The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.

You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

Married Women

Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight: "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

insect repellent sailsman

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect
repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I
guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition.
I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case
from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.
The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a
stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and
his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was
there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total
wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son." he said,, Now you don't have a
bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked at him through bloodshot eyes and asked with a
weak croaking voice "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"