Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Monday, June 29, 2009

A Calgary senior citizen drove his brand new red Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the Trans-Canada towards Banff, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Royal Canadian Mounted Police patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160Km/h, then 180, then 200.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the RCMP's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Officer.
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,
"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

Sunday, June 28, 2009

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,


The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ! ;
In a huff, the woman says,

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Some years ago,
Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.
After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel.

This would cool her down and make her relax. He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
The couple hired a strong young man from St. Lawrence to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fucken towel!'
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'
'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was
Cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'
'Well It was my first day with the hook.

Ethel the speed demon

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

10$ ia 10$

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, “Martha, I think I really should try that.” Martha replies, “I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.” So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, “Martha, I’m 70 now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane.” Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation…

The pilot pipes up, “Excuse me folks, I couldn’t help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I’ll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I’ll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.” Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, “Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn’t make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.” Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!”
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.

Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker:

"I 've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and ain't never seen anything like that before. Sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy Shit"

Thursday, June 25, 2009


A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I ? "


A busload of politicians were driving down a country
road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road
and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went
over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole
to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the
crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the
politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said
they weren't, but you know how them bastards lie.'

If PacMan were on Twitter


Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equ ally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an


A biker got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The biker smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The biker answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an
idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking
to the sheep."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you!

Men Don't Listen

A man is showering in a locker room with his
buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.
'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to
work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.
'Well, every day for the past two years I've
spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but
it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.’

Jim agrees that he’ll try it . . .
A few months later the two are in the same
locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation is going.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but
I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!'
'Did you do everything I told you? An hour
each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been
using Crisco.'

Wait for it ...........

Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed. ‘Damn it, Jim,
Crisco is shortening!’


You gotta follow the recipe & men don't

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Good Advice

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces..
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor )
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature' s way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Older Women Are So Reasonable, don't you think??







Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

Now here is a question you do not get too often...

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have a vagina'?
'Yes' she says .

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours................?

Flat Stomach........

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

The Cowboy's Wish

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this..' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'


The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will want and need me.'


He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, you can be d*mn sure there's going to be a string attached!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

A Well-Planned Retirement

- From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.

Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "We'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $620) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7.6 million)!
And no one even knows his name..........................................


The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given
only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years!! That's amazing!! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop. I pray for all of our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

Monday, June 15, 2009

The IRS and Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!!

The Screw Up

The Screw Up - Last.FM Commercial - The most amazing bloopers are here
A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' t-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''
The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does its own oil change. It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.


How do you define courage?
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a Formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free falling parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective Ferris wheel?
Bullshit........those are nothing!


Sunday, June 14, 2009

The IRS and Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Financial Crisis!

The Question of the Day is...Will the Dollar fall or not???

The moral is........ be a Tight Ass.

Friday, June 12, 2009

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

"Lard ass."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get iIt.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease,
and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

"Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

Buying Fishing Gear From a Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel? He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop
it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. Test line.. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00.

'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter', she says. 'I'll take it!' As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like
a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then
realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who
tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person

The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The
woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?' He
replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," said the camel, "I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

Great News for these financially challenged times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A lawyer and two friends–a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man–had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.” With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I just can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong?” the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, “I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

A TRIP TO Costco!

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all
your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."


The owner of a golf course in Saskatchewan was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary (I think May was her name) for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Saskatchewan and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
(You gotta love those Saskatchewan women)


A group of Saskatchewan friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
______________________________________________________ _____

A senior in Saskatchewan was overheard saying. 'When the end of
the world, comes, I hope to be in Saskatchewan.'
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Saskatchewan because
everything happens in Saskatchewan 20 years later than in the rest
of the civilized world.

The young man from Saskatchewan came running into the store and
said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? '
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'

NEWS FLASH! - Saskatchewan 's worst air disaster occurred when a
small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of
Saskatchewan students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery


The Saskatchewan RCMP pulled over a pickup on Highway 16.
The RCMP officer asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?

A man in Saskatchewan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.'
For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
I have a question…




mqielgqfffffffffff ffffffffffffffffsqfmq

dsldmfqsfqssfdbvnlklfvnozeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ?


For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Friday, June 05, 2009

A electrician walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a
moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the- art watch?' 'What's so special
about it?' The electrician explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.

'The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'

The electrician smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Darn thing's an hour
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first .

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

… And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Thursday, June 04, 2009

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important .
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You
idiot!.. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits's itself."

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Affter Effects of Swine Flu

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector:

'First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress hence the enormous smile.'
'Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah.' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Billy Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken'
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by a Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Breaking Up is Hard to do