Sunday, November 30, 2008

Joe and Mike

Two buddies, Joe and Mike, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Mike throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!' Joe says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.' So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Mike rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!' Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Mike says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thisss other guy got sssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!' Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.' 'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'


Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he
unaracteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your Breasts
to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few
conds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Drunk Test

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.
When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way toBrandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.
He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that test.'

Cop and his horse

A cop was on his horse
waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike
stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,'
the officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer
in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest,
he began to catch up with them
When he noticed the new sign which now read:

'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.'

Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was
a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One
day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped
and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on
his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from
inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on
his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old
man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for
me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man
hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One
for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin'
me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the
fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Friday, November 28, 2008

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour
just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed
to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

Wednesday, November 26, 2008



At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?' The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.' This really confuse d the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!' She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.'

Polite Way To Pee...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.''
The teacher fainted.

Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach in the closet to get me a second blanket - I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damned blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Three Men

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'


This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers and Shaw customer service reps!!

It's getting ugly folks!!

I think Motel owners could be the next logical step. (heaven help us)!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Monday, November 24, 2008

- the defense rests

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good.. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and that's when I shot the
little bastard

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Brings a tear to you eye

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.

'Makes your dick look bigger.'
.....Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Flynn - Drunk Again

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box
and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A Newfie in Paris

An 83 year old Newfie arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs
desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready,' the officer exclaimed!

The Newfie said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible, the officer said, Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!'

The Newfie gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944 to save your sorry asses,
I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

How the U.S. stock market works

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'sure I can - watch me - I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $ 2.00 a piece and made a profit of $898.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works at the Securities & Exchange Commission

and yet another blond joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Older Generation

A farmer went out one day and bought a br and new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and boldly says, 'O.K. old man, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens by yourself'. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You're all washed up and I'm taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop..'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The old rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says to himself, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this
Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION.
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The 'F' Word

The 'F' Word
(Correct use of the 'F' word)
When is the word @#$% Acceptable?

There have been only Twelve times in history when the 'F' word was considered acceptable for us

They are as follows:

12. 'What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?'
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

11. 'What the @#$% was that!?'
-- Mayor of Hiroshima , 1945

10. 'Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?'
-- George Armstong Custer, 1877

9. 'Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.'
-- Einstein, 1938< /span>

8. 'It does so @#$%ing look like her!'
-- Picasso, 1926

7. 'How the @#$% did you work that out?'
-- Pythagoras, 126=2 0BC

6. 'You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?'
Michelangelo, 1566!

5. 'Where the @#$% am I?'
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

4. 'Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!'
Noah, 4314 BC

3. 'Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?'
Bill Clinton, 1998

2. 'What do you mean there is no @%#*ing key to my ankle bracelet?'
Martha Stewart, 2005

And a drum roll please...... ....!

1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this
@%#*^ing mad.'
Saddam Hussein, 2003


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Another Blond Joke

A Blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.'
'Why?', says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the fucking goalie!!'

One sunny day in January, 2009,..

One sunny day in January,21st 2009 an old man approached the White House from
Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He
spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like
to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and
said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke
to the very same U.S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I
just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow, Sir.'

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Australian polotics

One thing about Australians is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was asked
on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.


'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just
one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

Americans doing it wrong

The train was crowded. A US marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but
the only seat left was taken by a poodle belonging to a well-dressed middle-aged
French woman. The war-weary marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The
French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My
little Fifi is using that seat."

The marine walked the train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please
ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired." The French woman snorted. "Not only are
you Americans rude, you are also arrogant." This time the marine didn't say a word.
He just picked up the little dog and tossed it out of the window. Then he sat down.
The woman shrieked. "I'm horrified. Someone must defend my honour and put this
American in his place."

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a
penchant for doing the wrong thing. You use your fork in the wrong hand. You drive
your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong bitch out of the window!"

Enough is Enough

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and Depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating It. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

Dinner table talk

Family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.' 'Onions?', the wife says.

'Yes, you see them and they make you want to cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

Monday, November 10, 2008

use of public urinals

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular: "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular: "At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself: "In British Columbia we learn not to piss on our hands."

Sunday, November 09, 2008

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

' Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She w as difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Italian Grandma's advice

A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too,But don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.

When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!' Nonna fainted!!!!!!!

Monday, November 03, 2008

4 Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Listen up City Slickers!


1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 1 goes east and west, Hwy 39 & 11 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $365,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Saskatchewan waves. It's called 'being friendly ' . Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. There's little for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. SASKATCHEWAN Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. 2 inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

Don't Touch the Flour

A little East Indian boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

'Look, mom, I'm a white boy!' His mom slaps him in the face and says 'Go show your father'.

He goes to his dad in the living room and says 'Look dad, I'm a white boy.' His dad slaps him hard in the face and says 'Go show your grandmother.'

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says 'Look granny, I'm a white boy'. His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends
him back to his mother.

His mother says 'Now, did you learn anything from that?'

To which the little boy replies 'I Sure did. I've only been white for five fuckin minutes and I already hate you fucking Packies!'

Two Newfies

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over
to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,'Well, I don't know about related,
but it sure would make us even.'

Sunday, November 02, 2008

First time to use a condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She
handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped
it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it
was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked
confused. So she looked all around the store to
see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and
locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back
room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She
unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom
on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put
that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and
held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Halloween Humor

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir, Please find enclose d a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co Happy Halloween

Maxine's Take On The Problems

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately -- illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ..

.... not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .. it creates a hostile work environment.

Do you know......

why witches don't wear underwear?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

So she can get a better grip on the broom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Pickup Line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'


Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's

The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures
and reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would be 24 now.'

The other mum replies, 'I remember him as a baby.'

Mum says, 'He's a martyr now.'

'Oh, so sad, my dear.'

Mum flips to another picture. 'And this is my second son, Kalid. He would
be 21.'

'Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.'

Mum sighs, 'He's a martyr, too.'

'Oh gracious me,' says the second mother.

'And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18', Mum

'Yes,' says her friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first
started school.'

'He's a martyr also,' Mum says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the
photos and says...........

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
A professor at University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably out riding with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.